


Daisies in the Dark

by themidnightartemis



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Desert Child Rey, Drugs, F/M, HEA, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Protective Ben, Protective Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug, Skateboarding, Soft Ben Solo, Touch-Starved, angry rey, bad coping mechanisms but at least they have each other, not a happy fic but will have a happy end (promise), possible murder, somehow turned into a skater au, the sexual tension on this bus is astronomical
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:01:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26833342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themidnightartemis/pseuds/themidnightartemis
Summary: She's been alone her whole life. Never fitting in, always looking to survive. She's good on her own, until one day a boy with a dark soul and an ache as bad as her own walks in and breaks down every barrier.Inspired by only child of the universe by steelandtemper
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 23
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [only child of the universe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22523668) by [steelandtemper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/steelandtemper/pseuds/steelandtemper). 



> Underage is marked since Rey technically doesn't know how old she is. (As the writer I can tell you she is older than 17) Just wanted to put this out there.
> 
> ***This fic deals with dark themes of drugs, abuse, violence, murder, and gangs.***

She learned that life was a game of survival from a young age. First, it was the religious fanatics— the ones with the locked fridge and the forced prayers and the idea that children were the spawn of Satan to be beaten and starved into godly angels. After them came the Johnsons. They were a young couple, hopeful and naive, and completely unprepared for the half-feral, skin and bones desert commune child that the government dumped in their laps. She didn’t last long there either. But they hadn’t let her starve and they hadn’t hit her and Rey tended to put that down as a plus in her book. It was why she started speaking (though in a British accent much to everyone’s surprise) and it was why she still kept their last name. Even when they gave up on her. After them… It was years in the system until she came to be in the hand of Unkar Plutt.

She learned how to survive. Learned how he always hit her where no one could see, but he only did it when he was raging drunk and he only was raging drunk a few times a month. She learned his tells, knew that some nights she was better off stealing a slushie from the 7-Eleven and camping out at the skatepark until it was late enough to go back home. 

As long as she did her chores and didn’t give him trouble, Plutt let her be. Rey was okay with that. She could survive that. 

She sat on the lip of the park's bowl as the sun set, casting riotous shades of pink and purple and red across the cloudy sky. Summer had only just begun and while that met school, which she hated, was over, it also met more time with Plutt. More time in his shop. More ways to mess up and more drunken rages to avoid. She often wondered if he kept her around as something to look at or because she knew how to keep her mouth shut and balance his books. Both sets. 

She’s been coming to the park for a while now, at least when the weather was decent, which it almost always was in Southern Cali. There was something comforting about the sound of wheels and boards on concrete, the whoops and hollers of the skaters, the warmth of the sun on her skin. Reminded her of the desert- only the best parts. People left her alone. 

They had learned to after… Well, after they learned what happened when they didn’t. A few bloody noses. A few broken boards. Cause and effect. 

The only ones who ever paid her any mind were Kuruk and his small band of boys in black. She respected their space and they respected hers. And after the broken nose incident, she’d almost become an honorary member of their group. A staple of the skatepark. She’d never had anywhere to belong before. 

It didn’t mean anything and you could fuck off if you thought it did. 

Rey watched them lazily, sipping on her stolen slushie as Cardo and AP kept biffing it on the same rail trick with a loud “fuck!” Every time. 

There were a few other people around, but like usual, most had left as it started to get dark. 

“Hey! Hey!”

Rey snapped to focus, frowning as she realized Kuruk had been trying to get her attention for a while and was now slowly jogging over to her. He held his board at his side and there was a lopsided smile on his face. He wore black baggy jeans and a baggy t-shirt like the rest of them and he always kept his dark hair buzz cut like he once thought about joining the military but only committed to the hair style. 

“What.”

Kuruk laughed. “You’re a Rey of fuckin sunshine, you know that?”

Rey rolled her eyes. It was only the millionth time he had used that line on her. “What do you want, Kuruk?”

“The guys and I are headed to the loft. We wanted to know if you wanted to come.” He gave her that look that he always did that only told Rey he was trying to get in her pants. She was pretty sure the guys had a bet going on it. 

She sighed. “You better have the good vodka this time. And better smokes. Those last ones tasted like dried out ass crack.”

“Yeah, yeah. Totally. One of my buddies is coming back from Coruscant and bringing the good college town shit.”

She didn’t know much about college towns but was fairly certain that “good college town shit” didn’t exist. She nodded anyway. “Fine. But imma kick your ass in Mario Kart.”

“Bet.” Kuruk offered her a hand and Rey let him pull her to her feet. She practically flew off the ground and threw them both into the bowl. It wasn’t that Kuruk was supernaturally strong or anything- she  _ had _ seen him shirtless and seen that unfortunate happy trail- it was just that she was built like a skinny prepubescent boy with an eating disorder. Rey landed in Kuruk’s arms and scowled, shoving him off before he could say anything. Some whistles echoed over the park. She grabbed her melted purple slushie and flipped off the rest of the guys. 

Rey went with them with the promise that life would maybe suck less for a little bit with them. At the very least they treated her to free booze and a toke. Inebriation was about the only thing that made Trudge and Ushar’s misogynistic idiocy palatable and Kuruk’s advances maybe not the worst thing in the world. It was nice to be liked. To be wanted. Even if it was just to win a bet. She’d never let them know that. Maker end her if they ever found out. She had enough self worth to know it would never fucking happen. 

They skated through the darkening streets of Corellia, slow enough that Rey could keep up on foot. It wasn’t hard. None of them could go ten feet without tipping a trash can over or trying to nail a trick off the curb. No one cared as they loudly made their way down the street, making themselves known to the world in the one way they could. Rey trailed after them in the dark. They left the cracked and degrading streets and dipped through a hole in the chain link fence, passing through a barely used rail yard and a dry culvert until they reached a small mostly abandoned warehouse. 

A few years back some real estate guy had bought it and started trying to convert the place into condos. He got about half way done before, probably, coming to his senses and realizing that no one on the south side of Corellia wanted to buy a luxury condo. Even if there was  _ exposed brick _ and  _ industrial aesthetic _ , there was also  _ high crime rates  _ and  _ a hatred of outsiders and gentrification.  _ Scared off most of the investors and the rest vanished after the recession hit and never seemed to leave the south side. Buying the one completed loft back from the city was the only smart decision the guys ever made. Even if they only did it to piss the cops off who kept kicking them out for trespassing. 

Part of Rey wishes she had seen the encounter instead of hearing about it every five seconds from one of the guys. The other part of Rey wondered how they were even smart enough to come up with that plan, let alone execute it.

_ The Loft  _ as they called it consisted of a giant open area that functioned as a gaming room and kitchen, the most disgusting bathroom Rey had ever stepped foot in, and three bedrooms which had once been split between all of them till Cardo got his own place and Vic moved in with his pregnant girlfriend. Three bedrooms became six after one drunken night where Ushar had taken a sledgehammer to the wall and broken into the abandoned half-finished apartment next door. As far as Rey knew, they were arguing between turning that living room into a sex dungeon or a pool table room. The vote was fifty fifty since Rey refused to participate and Trudge, convinced he could have both, refused to pick a side. The whole place constantly smelled of weed and Kuruk’s weird incense. 

Rey would never admit it, but she secretly loved the place. The ceilings were at least twelve feet high and there were huge metal framed windows that looked out over a field of dead grass to the lights of the city.

Kuruk dug through the mess of a freezer pulling out a half bottle of Everclear and a mostly empty bottle of Captain Morgan, which Rey snatched from him without a word. She found an unopened can of coke and poured it straight into the Captain's bottle, swishing it around before taking a large sip. No one blinked an eye. 

Across the room, Ushar cursed as he tried to get the projector working. It wasn’t that old of a projector, but it had been purchased from some seedy electronic store that definitely looked the other way on where they acquired their products. Gaming was about the only thing they ever spent their money on and they had almost every game and system out there. That was the other reason Rey secretly liked this place. Secretly liked most of them. 

Rey carried her bottle with her across the room, stopping Ushar before the stout Mexican twin started to rip the machine apart in frustration. His brother, Trudge, was the same in almost every way- built like a tank and while they could be bright at times, they were oblivious to almost everything.

If she was being honest, AP was the only guy she ever thought about letting win their stupid bet. He was shy and generally quiet and never really said much to her, which Rey prefered. He was cute, too, with short black hair, dark skin, and brown eyes. But he was more like a brother than anything. He was insanely smart, which made him the brains of the operation, and about the only one with any real sense. He took up his usual position on the couch and started to roll a joint from their last bits of weed. 

After Rey popped open the lid of the projector and blew out the fan and circuitry, the projector came to life with a small whine. She popped the lid back on and adjusted the focus so it hit the stretched sheet across the room right. 

She hopped down from the chair and took the lit joint from AP for a deep hit before passing it back. Trudge and Ushar eventually moved from the back rooms howling to each other and fighting over who would play COD first. 

“Hey, dickheads. The lady’s already chosen Mario Kart.” Kuruk slammed a shot glass on the table. “Loser finishes the everclear.”

“She always fuckin wins.” Trudge groaned. “She always picks rainbow road. I fuckin hate rainbow road.”

Rey smiled to herself as Trudge and Ushar groaned but ultimately complied with their ringleader’s orders. 

She could kick their asses at Mario Kart with a blindfold on. Rey snatched up the Wii remote and easily beat Trudge, Ushar, and Kuruk on Mario Kart’s three hardest courses. Even when Kuruk sat beside her and Trudge tried to tackle him over the back of the couch. Happy with her victory and at the sight of Ushar and Trudge gagging down straight everclear, she released them to fight over endless rounds of COD. 

Her and AP quietly pass the last joint back and forth, her eyes growing hazy as she practices blowing smoke rings into the air. 

“God you fuckers are rank.”

Rey grips tightly the mostly gone Captain’s bottle in her hand at the unrecognizable voice. People stopped by the loft constantly, but it was always someone she knew. She was halfway to smashing her bottle and brandishing it as a weapon when the guys broke into a flurry of motion, leaping over the couch and flying at the voice as they howled. Rey jumps in the opposite way, watching as the stranger was set upon by the guys. It took a moment for Rey to realize that they weren’t actually beating him up. She took a long swig of her drink. 

Out of the male-bonding wrestling pit emerged one of the tallest, broadest men she had ever seen. He wore all black like the rest of them, but there was something different about him. Long black hair came to his shoulders and Rey fought off the sudden urge to run her fingers through it. His pale skin was covered in smatterings of moles and freckles and his long nose was hooked from a break that didn’t heal right. It wasn’t until his eyes caught hers that the world seemed to break away under her feet. She felt his intense brown eyes from across the room. They dropped down before traveling back up again. He met her with eyes with a smirk and Rey scowled back. Something flashed across his face, too quick for Rey to tell what it was. Confusion, maybe? 

Kuruk caught him staring at her and puffed out his chest in some sort of testosterone filled dominance display. The stranger's eyes didn’t leave her. Rey did the only thing she could think of to win whatever battle she was having with this asshole and downed the rest of the Captain's bottle without breaking eye contact. The corner of his lip tweaked up. 

Kuruk cleared his throat. “Kylo - Rey. Rey - Kylo.”

_ Kylo.  _ Rey glared. What was it with them and stupid names?

Kylo frowned at her glare for only a moment before shoving a black backpack into Kuruk’s chest. “I brought your shit seeing as that’s the only reason you wanted me back, fucker.”

Maker, his voice. Deep and rough liked smoked whiskey and thunder. She wasn’t high enough for this. 

Rey sat back down on the end seat of the couch and tried to mindlessly watch as Trudge and Ushar went back to trying to kill each other. AP returned to his rolling board with the fresh bag of weed. Bag of bags Rey realized. There had to be several hundred dollars in a dozen different strains in there. She tried not to let her eyes drift to the newcomer. He stood in the kitchen pouring drinks with Kuruk. The muscles in his back stretched his tight black t-shirt as he moved. The bottle he held looked fucking minuscule in his hands. He talked to Kuruk with dark eyes and a scowl in his face, never stopping as he pulled bartending tools out of various drawers and cabinets. He knew the loft. He knew them well enough to waltz in and start digging through the drawers. 

Rey looked away before Kuruk could catch her watching Kylo. It was barely a secret that Kuruk was trying to claim her— a fact that pissed her off to no end. But the last thing she wanted tonight was to start a fight. She just wanted to bliss out for a bit. Pass out on the couch so she didn’t have to wander back to Plutt until the afternoon when her shift started. 

Her eyes kept betraying her, slipping away from COD to the man taking up a majority of the kitchen. Kylo had pulled several bottles of liquor and mixers from the bag and- was that a fucking lemon and lime? 

Kylo’s eyes flickered up to meet hers. A little smirk formed on his lips and Rey kept her mouth in a firm scowl. She already had too many cocky assholes in her life. She didn’t need one more. 

She looked away from him and poked AP with her foot. Without skipping a beat, he pulled her favorite bong out from under the table, packed it, and handed it and a lighter to her. Maybe she wasn’t completely surrounded by assholes. He knew not to give her sativas, not after the time he found her in the bathtub having a full blown panic attack. 

Rey adjusted herself and lit up, filling the pipe until it was opaque with smoke. She sucked the entire take deep into her lungs in one go, holding it there as she let her head fall back. She let the smoke out slowly playing with it and blowing double rings into the air to watch them drift lazily up. Kuruk wasn’t lying. This was the good stuff. A dark figure stepped into the corner of her eye and Rey looked up to find Kylo standing by the couch. He held a dark amber drink in one hand and a pale pink drink in the other. 

“Trade?” There was a teasing quality to his question that pissed Rey off. No doubt the pink drink was meant for her. Rey smiled sweetly. 

“Sure.” She pressed the bong to his ridiculously broad chest— no she was not noticing or thinking about it at all— and snatched the glass of amber liquid from his hand. A puzzled look crossed over his face and Rey pushed away the unwanted thought that he was kinda cute. For an asshole. A moment later that cocky smile was back and he set the pink drink on the table. Kylo motioned for the lighter and she handed it to him snatching her hand back like she was burned when his hand brushed against her own. Rey blamed it on the fact that she was half-way to Elysium when she openly stared at him as he took a hit as strong as her own and pulled off a proper French inhale. 

It wasn’t sexy. 

It wasn’t sexy at all. 

A moment later he exhaled completely, their smoke combining to hang around them in a thick haze. His eyes never left her and Rey wondered if he could see into the darkest depths of her soul to see his own reflection. He handed the bong back to her, reached down for the pink drink and downed it all in one go. 

A loud swear from Trudge broke Rey out of whatever hellish subspace she had been trapped in with Kylo. AP shot her a glance like he saw everything that happened and behind him in the kitchen, Kuruk looked close to murder. He had seen too. 

“How long you staying, Ren?” AP shifted between the two of them, sensing the impending fight as much as Rey did. 

“No fucking clue. Might stick around for a bit.”

“Awwww was college too much for you, Einstein?” Kuruk pouted mockingly.

“Nah. They’re blaming me for nearly blowing up the chem building. Academic probation since they can’t prove it wasn’t an accident.” Kylo held on to his glass and stared down Kuruk. AP went back to rolling his joints not wanting to get in the middle of it. This was bigger than her, Rey realized. Territory dispute. 

Strange how they do that. Though girls tended to be worse than guys. Guys just wanted to sleep with her. Girls wanted to murder her. Sometimes it was cause and effect— either way.

“Was it?” It took a moment for her brain to catch up to her mouth to realize she had said that. 

Kylo raised an eyebrow. “Was it what, sunshine?”

“Fuck off, dickwad.” Kuruk plopped down beside her and threw his arm on the couch behind her shoulder. Not quite touching her but still trying to stake a claim on her. As if he could. He smelt of BO and stale cigarettes and she couldn’t get the thought of that sad happy trail out of her head. She wasn’t in the mood to be the chess piece in whatever fucked up game they were playing. 

“Touch me, Kuruk, and you’ll wake up without a dick.”

Mr. Tall, dark, and asshole snorts, but his eyes widen ever so slightly as Kuruk actually takes his arm away from her without complaint. She smirks a little, thinking back to the time when Kuruk thought she was only joking. He had figured out pretty quickly that Rey would follow through on her threats when he woke up with a knife hovering over his junk. It was clear to them after that that no one touched her without her permission. After a while, they just straight up accepted it. No one touches Rey. Kuruk was the only one to ever press that boundary.

Rey picks up her bong and goes back to practicing smoke rings. She’s been working on her triple ring trick for a while but can’t seem to get the timing down. It’s relaxing. She could focus all her energy on just that and let the rest of the world drift away for a while. 

AP finished rolling his joints and packed her bong again before picking up his bag and taking off without a word. He’d be back in a few hours and about 500$ richer. Split between the six of them with the majority going to Kylo and AP, she’d maybe get twenty bucks out of it. Still twenty bucks was twenty bucks. Maybe she’d actually buy her slushie next time. 

Her neck burned as if someone was watching her. Sure enough when she looked over Kylo’s eyes were unabashedly fixed on her and ignoring Kuruk’s pointed glares. Rey stared back at him, her eyes slowly caressing over his cheekbones and strong jaw. She found constellations in his freckles. He leaned back in his chair letting her observe him, a faint cocky smile ghosting his lips. She wondered for a minute if she should feel embarrassed for ogling him like this, but she couldn’t. Not when she felt so light and free. Not when nothing mattered. Not really. This must be what death felt like. 

She wondered what he’d taste like. What his moans sounded like. If his touch would feel like fire against her skin. He looked at her as if he knew exactly what she was thinking and was wondering the same thing. 

_ But why?  _

_ Why... when you’re nothing. When you’re no one. When you’re far too skinny and you have no tits and half-healed bruises on your ribs. When even the gentlest touch makes you want to puke. You’re nothing but a quick lay. Something to use and discard.  _

Rey frowned and quickly locked her emotions down in the darkest parts of her. Kylo frowned, too. His eyes flirted away from her but never strayed far. 

* * *

_Learning how to swim but the lands are dry_   
_Feeling like a shark, If I stop I'll die_   
_Things are lit and the blood's on fire_   
_Underneath the buzz of the telephone wire_

_All my friends are doing fine_   
_While I'm looking for a sign_   
_Is this body even mine?_   
_Feels good to be alive but I hate my life_

_So tied up and tired of this self-inflicted fight_   
_In spite of, I light up, to leave my demons inside_   
_Tell myself I'm fine while I'm looking for a sign_   
_Is this body even mine?_   
_Feels good to be alive but I hate my life_

_\- Good to Be Alive,_ PVRIS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow Me On [Tumblr!](https://thesnowfire13.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [Daisies in the Dark Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1mxtICJji3vcUD2ffrXDGA?si=kgFcdeN0R3KP9CWurdlEPg)


	2. Chapter 2

At some point, she must have fallen asleep. She doesn’t know exactly what wakes her up only that once her eyes are open she only sees a dark figure standing over her and something touches her arm. Rey’s fist shoots out and the man doubled over with a loud curse and groan. She’s over the back of the couch in seconds before she realizes that it’s Kylo and the thing that touched her arm was a blanket. He’d been trying to give her a blanket and she punched him in the balls. Rey backed up slowly, prepared to bolt if what she did only made him angry. 

Instead of being pissed off, the man just wheezed, caught his breath, then said, “Yeah, I probably should have seen that coming.”

He looked up and saw her caught halfway between fight and flight probably looking more like a deer in headlights than anything else. Kylo’s face softens, the mask of him falling away to something else. “I’m sorry. I’m not going to hurt you… you just looked cold.”

She was but she wasn’t about to let him know that. Rey forced herself to lower her arms and tried to calm her breath. She believed him. Rey nodded slightly. “I don’t like people touching me.”

She watched him carefully, a test to see what would appear on his face when she said those words. She didn’t want to be pitied. She hated being pitied. Kylo only shrugged. “Yeah, I get that. You wanna smoke?”

He passed. Rey took another deep breath and nodded before letting it all out. Kylo fell into the couch at the spot where AP usually sat to roll joints. He pulled out the remains of the bag that they hadn’t smoked or sold yet and started pulling the smaller baggies of individual strains out. Rey hadn’t moved, but he hadn’t forced her to either. 

“You have a preference?”

“Indica.” Rey forced herself to move closer to the couch. Kylo’s ears twitched as he picked her up but he didn’t turn around. 

“Northern lights okay?” His voice was a little gruff like he’d just woken up from sleeping. His dark hair stuck up in weird places and was flattened in others. Rey slipped back over the couch and sat curled up on the end, facing him. She watched him warily. 

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

He nodded and worked quickly, tearing apart the bud and picking out the stems and seeds with remarkable dexterity for one with fingers that big. He stuck the bits in the black and red grinder that lived on the coffee table and gave it a few twists. He didn’t look at her as he worked as if he somehow knew doing so would only scare her off. Rey let herself inch a little closer if only to study his details. He wore the same black t-shirt from before but had stripped off his jeans in favor of black boxers. She hadn’t noticed another bag or anything but drinks and weed in the one she did see. Maybe that was all he had.

He twisted open the grinder and poured half into a rolling paper with a filter, and topped it off with a dash of kief. He rolled the paper with practiced hands sealing it off with a lick and a twist. Even though it was obvious he had done this a thousand times, he held it up proudly with a goofy grin on his face. Rey offered him a little smile. 

“After you.” He held it out to her and Rey took it, careful not to touch his skin as she did. He leaned back, softly watching her as she grabbed a lighter from the seat cushions and lit the tip of the joint. She sipped softly, urging the embers to catch until the sweet taste hit her tongue. She took two puffs and handed it back to him. Her heart racing a little faster as he put those sinful lips right where hers had just been. She didn’t even attempt to do any tricks, just let the smoke fall from her lips as she exhaled. Kylo took his time before handing it back. Technically, it was his weed and he could do what he wanted with it. Rey avoided his touch. 

“Where you from, Rey?”

Her name rolled off his tongue like a prayer. It was the first time she ever wanted someone to say her name again. The first time it didn’t feel like a stupid guy’s name or a joke. 

Rey took another puff. “How do you know I’m not from here?”

Kylo smiled a little and glanced at her with mischief in his eyes. Her heart screamed at her to run away as fast as she could, to not let this asshole be the one to break her heart. 

“I would have noticed if you were.”

Rey stopped herself from inhaling too sharply and choking on her smoke. Was he playing with her? No one ever noticed the Jakku desert rat. 

“Nowhere.”

“No one’s from nowhere.”

She handed the joint back to him. “Jakku. Arizona.”

His eyes narrowed as he frowned. It wasn’t the answer he was expecting. It wasn’t the answer anyone expected. They expected London or Melbourne. Not  _ Jakku, Arizona.  _

“It’s a long story.”

Kylo sat back, puffing on the joint like some sort of fucking weed expert. “I’ve got time for a long story.”

“It’s a long story that I don’t tell,” Rey said pointedly. 

“How about this. A question for a question.”

“And what do I get out of it.” 

His eyes settled on her steadily and Rey knew he was reading past her bluff. She wanted to know about him. A question for a question was deal enough. He let her keep her dignity though. “My share of whatever AP shows up with.”

_ Fuck.  _

That was going to be like 300$ at least. She didn’t trust it. The disbelief and mistrust must have been written all over her face. 

“I’m serious. My share for a question for a question. That’s it.”

Rey swallowed, taking the joint from him to buy herself time. She already knew her answer. “Did you mean to blow up the lab?”

Kylo broke into a soft smile and a chuckle. “No, but they don’t need to know that.”

He made no indication if he was talking about the school or the rest of the guys. Rey braced herself for the torrent of questions about her past. About a time she barely remembered and was probably better off not remembering. 

“How’d you meet these fuckos?”

Rey met his eyes in surprise. She wasn’t sure what she thought she’d find there but it wasn’t soft brown eyes filled with genuine curiosity looking back at her. 

“Skate park. End of last summer. Trudge and Ushar kept catcalling me so I broke both their boards and gave them bloody noses.”

Kylo laughed and Rey held in that beam of pride it sent through her. “That's one way to win Kuruk’s heart. Your turn.”

“Who are you? To them.”

“Course those bastards wouldn’t even mention me.” It came off with a smirk but Rey could hear something like hurt hidden in his voice. Kylo stood from the couch suddenly and stalked over to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of whiskey. Rey pushed herself back to the edge of the couch. She hadn’t realized how close she had let herself get to him. How magnetic he was to her. 

Kylo seemed to realize it, too. His features softened a bit as he watched her from beneath dark eyelashes. He approached her again the way a practiced rancher approaches a wild stallion. His voice was low and soothing even though she could tell what he said bothered him. “Most of us grew up together. None of our parents gave a shit so we just fucked off a lot. And first, there was this other dude Ren who we all kinda followed. But he pissed us off, so I kicked his ass and took his spot. And then I left for college and Kuruk took over.”

“And now you’re back and Kuruk has your spot.”

Kylo nods. “So now I have to kick his ass.”

He smiles a little in a way that tells Rey he’s looking forward to it. “Are you…”

“Fucking him?” Rey snorts. “Is that your question?”

Kylo nods. “I’ll take that as a no.”

“Yeah. No.” Rey sighs and stretches out on the couch. She’s finished off the joint but Kylo doesn’t seem to mind. It’s hitting her softly and trying to drag her back to sleep. “Not if we were the last two people left on earth and my only other choice was a volleyball named Wilson.”

“Good,” Kylo says it so softly Rey wonders if she heard it at all.

“Is your name really Kylo?”

“No.”

“What is it?”

“It’s my turn to ask a question.”

“Don’t be such a dick.” 

“Don’t break the rules then.” 

Rey opens her eyes just enough to see Kylo’s teasing grin. “Didn’t take you for a goodie two shoes.”

“Rules bring order and peace.”

“Did the rules tell you to blow up the chem building?”

“I never said I followed other people’s rules.”

“Is that why you have to fight Kuruk?”

“Club rules. One leader at a time. That’s how the Knights of Ren have always operated.”

Rey snorted. “Knights of Ren sounds like a shitty band name. And you’re letting me break your rules.”

“Don’t worry. I’m keeping a tally.” Kylo’s voice sends a hot current up her spine. “How’d you get here from Jakku?”

“Ran away from my last foster family when I was fifteen. CPS caught me here and were too lazy to send me back, so I got placed here. That was almost two years ago.”

She prepared herself for the next questions.  _ Why did you run? What happened? _

“Are you planning on staying?”

Rey frowned. That was a new one. “I’ve got a bed and some food and a job so I guess. Unless things get really shitty again. You have one more question.”

“Total or….? Fuck.”

Rey pushed herself up, not caring to hide her wicked smile. Kylo didn’t lose his grin. “What’s your real name?”

“Benjamin. But only my mother calls me that. Everyone else calls me Ben.”

“Or Kylo.”

Ben smirks. “Yeah. Or that.”

She’s let herself get lost in the pull to him again. She’s so close now that she can smell his cologne over the overwhelming weed smell. She notes clearly that he’s leaning towards her too, drawn in to her without noticing. His eyes flicker to her lips and she pulls away, her heart racing.

“You go to Coruscant?”

It’s a weak segue and they both know it. He takes it anyway. 

“Maybe. We’ll see. Might not go back. Didn’t want to go in the first place. Barely made it through this year. You go to Corellia South?”

“Maybe. We’ll see.” Rey echoed. “Might not go back. Didn’t want to go in the first place.”

“Don’t you have to?”

Rey shrugged. “No one fucking knows. They didn’t know my age when they found me so everyone just kept guessing my birthday. And it was years before they finally decided to just stick with the one that made me the youngest. ‘Cause maker forbid I age out of hell sooner. I’m pretty sure there’s like five different versions of me in the government’s records.”

“Hmm. That’s lucky.”

“Lucky?” Rey raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah. Like. For tax evasion. Or insurance fraud. Or… fake ids.”

Rey thought on it for a moment, the idea bubbling up in her and crackling to life in her head. She laughed then thought about it more and laughed again. Ben looked at her in a way she knew no one else ever had. She couldn’t name it. She didn’t want to name it. For a moment she thought about letting him kiss her. For a moment she thought one day she might actually let him. 

* * *

_I know it's chemicals that make me cling to you_   
_And I need a miracle to get away from you_   
_I know it's chemicals_   
_and I need a miracle_   
_And I'm not spiritual_   
_But please stay_   
_'Cause I think you're a saint and I think you're an angel_

_-_ St. Patrick, _PVRIS_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow Me On [Tumblr!](https://thesnowfire13.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [Daisies in the Dark Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1mxtICJji3vcUD2ffrXDGA?si=kgFcdeN0R3KP9CWurdlEPg)


	3. Chapter 3

He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about her every second of every day since he first saw her. It was beginning to turn into a waking nightmare almost. One fucking conversation with this girl and he was gone. She didn’t even give him her last name. She had fallen asleep on the couch not long after she stopped giggling about his tax evasion quip. He wasn’t surprised; she had finished off the rest of the joint on her own. He could watch the smoke pour from her lips for eternity. He was usually an adamant follower of the puff puff pass rule. 

Rey from Jakku was going to be the death of him. 

When he went to put a blanket over her again, she barely even moved.

The only thing that did distract Ben from her was the impending showdown between him and Kuruk. The man almost matched him in height, though he was much skinnier. That just made him a little bit faster. And Rey taking a liking to Ben has only pissed Kuruk off. 

Much to his disappointment, Rey left before anyone else in the loft woke up. No one woke up before two anyway. 

Ben rolled a joint as the coffee brewed. The smell eventually woke everyone else up and soon the couch was full, the room smelled of freshly ground sour diesel, and Saturday morning cartoons played on the projector. After a cup of coffee, AP pulled out a wad of cash and divided it out into piles. The largest went to Ben for supplying, the second largest to AP for manufacturing and delivery, and The rest was split between Kuruk, Trudge, Ushar, and… Ben frowned. He hadn’t seen Cardo or Vik and there was one last pile. AP saw him eyeing it. “It’s for Rey.”

“Rey?”

“Yeah, got a problem?” Kuruk was already starting to dig in. Push the issue until it came to a breaking point. 

“Thought it took a unanimous vote to let someone in.” Ben eyed each of the guys. 

AP, ever the peacemaker, stepped in. “She’s not in.”

Ben relaxed a little. They hadn’t forced her through initiation.

“If she was, Kuruk would not be left standing.” Trudge chuckled. 

“Yeah, how’s your nose doing fucker?” Kuruk seethed.

Trudge threw his meaty hands in the air. “Hey, I learned my lesson. She could tell me to eat shit and I’d listen.”

How had a girl that tiny instilled so much fear and reverence into this tiny fucked up group? 

“She helps me with the books sometimes. That’s why she gets a share.” AP finally supplied. “We trust her.”

Ben gave a shallow nod. “And Cardo. Vik?”

“Vik’s been MIA since the baby. Cardo will show up when he feels like it.”

Ben let his face drop into his mask. Unfazed from the outside. Warring on the inside. He hadn’t even known Vik was having a kid. 

The impromptu meeting ended as quickly as it had begun. Trudge and Ushar settled into their cartoons. At least that much hadn’t changed. Kuruk fucked off to somewhere else and AP sat on the couch looking conflicted. After a few minutes, the quiet guy seemed to resign himself to an answer. He stood, his face dead serious as he looked Ben in the eye. “We should talk.”

That was one of the many things Ben secretly admired about AP. He was one of the originals and in the ten years Ben had known him, the man had barely changed. He didn’t sugarcoat. Didn’t play games. Though he could be a bit cryptic, everything was always dead serious with AP. 

Ben nodded and followed the dude out the door and onto the small patio. The dry heat of the afternoon hit him in full force as they stepped out. He lit his joint and didn’t offer it to AP knowing the dude would just say no anyway. 

“What the fuck are your intentions here, Ben?”

Ben stilled as he brought the joint to his lips. No one in the Knights ever called him Ben. He was pretty sure Trudge and Ushar didn’t even know his name wasn’t actually Kylo. And AP- AP only used it when he was beyond dead serious.

“You know what my intentions are.” 

“You were supposed to get out of this. You were supposed to leave and never come back.”

“Yeah well that didn’t fucking work out, did it?” Ben growled and smashed the lit end of the joint into the metal railing. 

“You can’t just come waltzing back expecting to throw a few punches and make everything magically the same as before. It’s not the same, Ben. Why the fuck did you come back?”

Ben huffed a laugh. “Where else would I go?”

“Did you even call your mom? Have you even told her you dropped out?”

“I never said I dropped out.”

“You didn’t have to.” AP scowled and he dropped his gaze to the dead fields of grass. “I would have heard about it if the chemistry lab purposefully got blown up.”

Ben narrowed his eyes and gave AP a long side glance. “You’re still seeing that TA?”

“He’s an adjunct Professor now.” AP sighs. It’s the happiest thing Ben thinks the guy’s ever done. “I know she’ll kill you herself if you hurt her but just know that the rest of us will help bury the body.”

Ben laughs a little and AP turns sharply to face him. “I’m fucking serious. You hurt her even just a little bit and I will wipe you off the face of this planet. She’s been through enough. So if you think she’s just some sick game to piss off Kuruk or a quick lay you back the fuck off and leave her alone.”

AP’s dark eyes are enough to tell Ben that if Rey didn’t kill him, he would. “She’s not. I don’t want to hurt her.”

AP smiles sadly. “You don’t want to. But you will.”

By the time Friday comes around, Ben is looking for a fight. He and Kuruk have steadily been pushing buttons and digging under each other’s skin for days now. It was only a matter of time before the party was set in motion. AP was noticeably absent first thing in the morning. It only takes Ben seeing the look on Kuruk’s face to know that time is up. They’re nearing breaking point and only one will come out victorious. It calls for a party the likes of which hadn’t been seen since Kylo took on Ren himself. 

AP was out gathering the more illicit provisions while Trudge and Ushar carried a nearly endless chain of kegs and tubs and ice into the recently _‘unlocked’_ basement of the warehouse. Ben and Kuruk were left to simmer. Ben poured himself a drink and set down to rolling the last of the weed to sell or smoke tonight. Rolling was one of the few things that calmed him- even when he could feel Kuruk’s pissed of stare burrowing into the back of his head. Even when AP’s words had been rattling around in there for days now, mixing with the images of her soft smile he held tightly onto. The one she tried to hide from him. And those hazel eyes that looked right at him and kept on digging. Everything about her drew him in. He couldn’t resist the chance for one touch of the light. 

He hoped she wasn’t there tonight. He hoped she never saw what he really was. What he could do. 

All hope of that was lost when she turned up beside AP a few hours deep into the party. His eyes latched onto her the moment he spotted her hair, up in three little buns. Her eyes were dark as bruises and anger boiled in him until he got a better view in the dim red right and realized that it was makeup. It was only wearing makeup. She wore a black holy t-shirt with a band logo on it so faded it was almost beyond recognition. Her jeans were covered in black sharpie doodles. Flowers, he thought. She had that scowl on her face not at all dissimilar to the one she first gave him. Within seconds AP had a drink in her hand. 

Her eyes drank in the crowd, scanning the room until they landed on his. And stayed. A flash of pain danced across her eyes. There and hidden in an instant. 

What did he do? 

What-

“Are you even fucking listening to me?”

Ben looked back down at the tiny brunette clinging to his side. The woman had been incredibly persistent for the past hour, even going so far as trying to force him into an old, musty janitor's closet. 

“Not particularly. No.” Ben barely spared her a glance.

“God, you’re a fucking asshole.” The woman stormed away, finally taking his hints. When he searched the crowd again, Rey was gone. 

He knew he was an asshole. He knew it and he went off in Rey’s direction anyway. He needed to explain. He needed to know why she looked so hurt when she saw him. He found AP first.

“Where’d she go?”

“It’s almost midnight.”

Ben could give two fucks about Kuruk and midnight. “Where’d she go?”

AP sighed and shrugged. “I’m not her keeper. She can handle herself.”

“You’re a dick you know that, Finn?”

The dude shrugged and went back to fucking off. Ben pushed through the crowd. Most people parted automatically for him mostly thanks to his size and his ability to not give a fuck about anyone. Anyone but her. He couldn’t explain why now at this moment he felt like the entire world rode on his ability to get to her, to find her, to explain himself when there was nothing yet to explain. 

He pushed through a rather large group of people and stumbled into an open pocket in the middle of the crowded room. Music screamed through every inch of the room- the bass shaking the foundations. 

His eyes searched the room until they landed on the messy row of three buns, the faded black tee. The hand gripping her waist. The anger in her eyes. The smirk on Kuruk’s lips as he turned to look at Ben. 

Ben felt the dark thing inside him snap. Kuruk has found the breaking point. Ben grabbed the nearest glass bottle and slammed it on the ground. 

He comes to when he feels her touch burning hot against the skin of his wrist. So feather-light he shouldn’t have been able to feel it but it stops him like a live wire. The room around him has gone deadly quiet and it takes a moment for him to feel the stares of dozens of silent people. There’s a groan from underneath him and he looks down to see what’s left of Kuruk’s bloody face. The man is completely slack underneath him, not even trying to fight back. 

“Ben. That’s enough.” Rey says quietly, her voice firm. He lets her pull him away with gentle tugs. His mind wars between

_She’s touching me she’s touching me she’s touching me_

And 

_Is he dead is he dead is he dead_

AP, Trudge, and Ushar emerge from the crowd to haul Kuruk away. He’d gone too far. Way too far. He could tell by the terrified looks he got as he passed through the crowd. 

_She’s touching me she’s touching me she’s touching me_

Outside that small basement room, the party is still in full swing, blissfully unaware of the night's main event. He doesn’t feel a thing but the touch of her skin around his wrist. She leads him deftly through the crowd and up the narrow staircase to the loft. Vik steps away from the lofts' entrance, letting them by. _Door duty_ . Kylo thinks stupidly. _He used to hate door duty._

Rey’s touch left him as she sat him down on the couch. He let out a small pitiful whimper at its loss. 

“Relax. I’m only going to get the first aid shit.” He might have been imagining it but he thought he saw her smile. 

Rey disappeared into the bathroom and emerged a minute later with a giant box of medical supplies. It was even labeled _medical supplies_ in handwriting he didn’t recognize. Her handwriting. 

She took out a white bottle and a piece of cloth to wet with the liquid. Ben shuddered and forced himself to stay still as she brought the cloth to his bloody knuckles and began dabbing at them. He dared not to speak as she took her hand in his and turned it this way and that to clean away his skin. The cloth came away bright red. She moved to his other hand and added more of the clear liquid to the cloth. He sucked in a breath as she ran the cloth across his knuckles. Her hands worked quickly then to wrap his hand in gauze. 

When he thought she was done she grabbed a fresh cloth and sat close to him. Closer than she ever had before. He could count her freckles against her tan skin, smell the warm earthy scent coming off of her, feel the heat of her against him. He was too dumbstruck to move and was fighting a losing battle against his desire to look at her lips. To taste her just one time. Rey brought the cloth to his lips. Her fingers gently guided him to look at her, to tilt his chin down to her reach. The throbbing in his face slowly came to the front of his mind. It seemed Kuruk had gotten a couple hits in after all. 

She cleaned his skin carefully, working up the side of his face. He closes his eyes as she gets to his brow, letting her soft touch consume him. She had seen him at his worst and yet she was still here. She wasn’t flinching away.

“Rey.” Her name came out as a soft whisper that hung in the air between them. She had to come to him, he knew that much. He couldn’t open his eyes. He could only hope that she understood. The cloth dropped away from his eye. Soft lips pressed against the corner of his own. Ben opened his eyes to see her looking up at him. Hopeful. Hungry. 

The door to the apartment swung open and the rest of the knights piled into the apartment. Trudge carried a half-conscious Kuruk over his shoulders. Ben cursed under his breath as Rey moved away from him and made room for Trudge to set Kuruk on the couch. The man moaned pitifully and Ben bit back a smirk. 

“Cops got called.” AP moved through the room quickly, clearing off the coffee table and locking everything away in the safe built into the wall. 

“Warrant?” Ben asked. 

“Not likely. Unless they’ve been sitting on it.” Vik shut the door after Cardo slipped in and locked it. Cardo had been at the front door taking entrance fees. He was probably the one to sound the alarm. 

“You need to take off?” Ben asked Vik. The dude had a kid now. He couldn’t get caught up in petty shit. 

Vik shrugged and moved through the room, picking up a warm, unopened beer. “I’ll just hide in the back. Jenny and Ambrose weren’t expecting me.”

The man tossed him the lock's key and disappeared through the hole in the wall. Trudge and Ushar moved the one giant bookcase over the hole. 

“You shouldn’t be here either.” Ben turned his focus back to Rey. She was kneeling beside Kuruk and cleaning him up with a fresh cloth, though she wasn’t being half as gentle with Kuruk as she had with him. 

“I’ll just hide under the spare bed. The cops don’t give two shits about me.”

_Spare bed?_

Ben was about to argue the point until he saw the look AP gave him. Rey could take care of herself. 

Ben let it go. “Take Kuruk to his room. Don’t need cops coming in ‘cause there’s a half-dead dude on the couch.”

Trudge and Ushar pull Kuruk off the couch and Rey packs up the medical supplies. A few minutes later, the loft looked like almost any other night. Trudge and Ushar argued over what game to play and AP took up his spot on the couch, scrolling on his phone. Rey, however, was the one to go back to the projector to turn it on. He watched as she opened up the projector and blew inside. The projector came seamlessly to life. She turned on the Wii and tossed two of the remotes to the twins. “Mario Kart.”

They groaned as she smiled wickedly. 

“Fucking fine. I want Moo Moo Meadows this time though.” Ushar pouted. Rey hesitated as she picked up the fourth remote. He guessed that was the one Kuruk usually got. Her hesitation only lasted a second before she lobbed it across the room to his hands. Ben caught it and held his breath as she slipped over the back of the couch to sit beside him. She was careful to not touch him and he was careful to do the same. 

She picked out Moo Moo Meadows, Wario’s Gold Mine, and Rainbow Road. Ben barely tried as he watched her easily beat them as Daisy. Trudge always gave up halfway through and would start going the wrong way for fun. Ushar spent more time dying than racing. Ben managed to finish in a solid sixth place twice. She had no competition here. As she crossed the rainbow road finish line in first (a feat even he considered almost impossible), there was a loud knock at the door. 

“CPD! Open up.”

Rey was gone before Ben could say anything. The door to his old room swung shut. So, that was the spare bedroom. He spared a glance at AP before standing up to open the door. He held his hand on the lock. 

“This is a private residence. You got a warrant?”

“No, sir. Just a few questions.” Ben undid the heavy U lock and slid the heavy metal door open slowly. Two uniforms stood in the hall, their eyes hard and their hands near the guns on their hips. He didn’t recognize either of them. Newbies. Ben placed his hand against the door frame and the door, his body blocking most of the view inside. 

“What’d you want?”

The guy cop's eyes went wide as he looked up and down Ben. “Are you in need of medical attention, sir?”

Ben glanced at the bandages on his hands. “Nah, I’m good. Just took a tumble down the stairs. Bit of a clutz.”

Neither of them believed him but that didn’t matter. 

“Is there anyone in the house with you?”

Ben shrugged as the sounds of Mario Kart started up again. “Just my roommates.”

“Were you aware that there was an illegal event happening in the basement of this building?” The woman cop took over. She gave him a look like she would never believe anything that came out of his mouth. 

“Illegal Event? No. I’ve been kicking their asses at Mario Kart all night.”

“Mario Kart.” The woman raised her eyebrows. 

“That it?”

The cops didn’t reply. 

“Great.” He said gruffly. “Have a good night officers.”

Ben slid the door shut and snapped the lock back on. He waited for another knock but it never came. He went to the kitchen to make an old-fashioned. It wasn’t as smooth as usual with bandaged hands that were beginning to shake. The fresh cut on his face was beginning to burn and tingle against the open air. 

The twins moved the bookshelf away from the hole in the wall to let Vik back in. They switched from Mario Kart to COD. The door to his room stayed shut. Ben crossed the room and knocked softly. No reply. He pushed the door open slowly, letting the light shine in but not entering himself. The light landed on the black sheets of his old bed. Rey had curled in a ball in the center of it underneath the comforter. Her ribs moved up and down ever so slightly. She had fallen asleep. Ben shut the door softly. 

He guessed he’d be sleeping on the couch tonight. 

AP retired to take care of Kuruk not long after Ben sat down, drink in hand. He mindlessly watched the twins play COD. Vik took off once the cops had cleared out and Cardo followed soon after. Ben couldn’t fall asleep even with the pull of alcohol and his mindless staring. The twins cleared out, disappearing to their rooms in the back. Ben shifted out of his shoes and jeans. His shirt had turned almost solid with dried blood at the neck so he shed that too. Ben turned on the Wii. Alone in the glow of the projector, he thought about the touch of her lips against his skin. What would it feel like if she dared to touch him? What he would do to her if she let him touch her back? He was going to need to take a very very very cold shower. He tried to focus on Mario Kart instead. 

Night passed into the wee hours of the morning. A cry echoed through the loft and Ben paused his failed attempt at Rainbow Road. 

“No!”

The cry came from his room. Rey. Ben’s heart pounded as he leaped over the couch and opened the door to his room. Rey laid where he had left her, still curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed. She twitched, her head rolling back and forth as if she were trying to escape from something invisible. She cried out again at her nightmare. 

“Rey.” His voice was hoarse from not speaking for hours. She twitched again, not waking up. “Rey- Rey, wake up. It’s only a nightmare.”

She whimpered and Ben crossed the room. He’d have to touch her to wake her up. He tried again. “Rey, wake up.”

She cried out again, a painful whimper that sent an ache shooting through his chest. He reached his hand out, prepared to snatch it away the moment he touched her. He touched her shoulder and she sprung awake, pushing herself to the far side of the bed so her back was against the wall. Ben backed up two steps, his hands in the air. “It’s just me. You were having a nightmare.”

“Ben?” Rey swallowed trying to hide the panic in her voice. 

“Yeah. Just me. I tried calling your name but it didn’t work.”

Rey nodded slowly as she caught her breath. “I heard you. I think. I just couldn’t… get out of it. Did I wake you up?”

Ben shook his head. “Nah. I was practicing Mario Kart so you can have some actual competition.”

Her lips quirked up in an actual smile. “Well, at least someone has the balls to challenge me.”

Rey’s hair had fallen half-way out of her three buns. Her eyes were soft with sleep and there was an imprint of his pillow across her face. Her mind drifted to something else and she frowned. “Are you sleeping on the couch?”

“You were in my bed.” Ben shrugged. “Didn’t want to wake you up. Seemed like you needed it more than I did.”

“I can move to the couch.” Rey offered sheepishly. “I didn’t mean to steal your bed.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Ben moved to go back out to the living room. 

“Wait.” 

Ben froze in his tracks trying not to get his hopes up too high. He turned back to her and found her eyes unabashedly looking over his bare chest. 

“There’s room for two.”

“Are you sure?” He asked slowly. 

The girl nodded. “Yeah.” 

She shifted as he crossed the room and laid down on his back across the edge farthest from her. He risked a glance at her. She hadn’t moved from her spot against the wall. He said nothing beyond his silent plea. 

_Come to me. Before I break. Before I redesign myself to loneliness for the rest of my life._

He could feel her watching him. Evaluating. Fighting. She slowly lowered herself away from the wall and curled up beside him, not quite touching him but close enough that she might. Ben closed his eyes and let a new calm darkness wash over him.

* * *

_I know it's warmer where you are_  
_And it's safer by your side_  
_But right now I can't be what you want_  
_Just give it time..._

_Well it's cold when we're apart_  
_And I hate to feel this die_  
_But you can't give me what I want_  
_Just give it time..._

_But for now we stay so far_  
_'Til our lonely limbs connect_  
_I can't keep you in these arms_  
_So I'll keep you in my mind..._

_Can we meet in the middle_  
_Bodies and souls collide_  
_Dance in the moonlight_  
_Where all the stars align_  
_Oh you and I, oh you and I, oh_

_-_ You and I, _PVRIS_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise it's not all PVRIS songs :D
> 
> (It's mostly PVRIS songs)
> 
> Follow Me On [Tumblr!](https://thesnowfire13.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [Daisies in the Dark Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1mxtICJji3vcUD2ffrXDGA?si=kgFcdeN0R3KP9CWurdlEPg)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TW* - A fairly graphic depiction of abuse near the end. If you would like to avoid, skip to the chapter notes after Ben drops Rey off for a less graphic description of what happens. This scene is integral to the rest of the story and will be mentioned several times throughout the rest of the fic.

She woke to dim light leaking through dark curtains and let herself drift in the half-waking half-sleeping world for a while. She was so warm, so comfortable that she never wanted to wake up or leave. Her fingertips danced around something soft and smooth. She froze as the warmth around her groaned and shifted, coming to life beneath her fingertips. 

_Fuck._

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

What happened last night? She didn’t remember drinking that much. Not enough to blackout. Had someone slipped something in her drink? Rey scrambled away from the person’s side. The person groaned rolling to his side and stretching a massive arm across the bed towards her. “Mmm... Come back.”

Ben?

The night came crashing back to her. Kuruk gripping her waist hard enough to bruise, already drunk beyond recognition. The sound of a glass bottle shattering. Kuruk breaking his own beer bottle to brandish as a weapon. Ben charging in any way. The way her heart stopped when that broken bottle sliced down Ben’s face. The way Ben never missed a step, yanking the bottle from Kuruk’s hand and throwing it to the ground. After that, it was fists flying. Kuruk getting in lucky shots. But he hadn’t stood a chance against Ben’s blind rage. She didn’t know how many shots Ben got in on Kuruk’s face before she was beside him. Before she caught his hand and he stilled under her touch. She watched that utter calm fall over his face. With the faintest of pulls, she had taken him away. Taken him up the stairs to the loft. Her hands shook as she cleaned his wounds and he looked at her like no one had ever looked at her before. He never tried to push her. Never stepped close to her boundaries. Maybe that was why she had kissed him. 

She hadn’t realized that the spare room was his until she jumped into the bed and his musky cologne surrounded her. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep in it either. She knew what it meant. She only fell asleep in places she felt safe. And laying in Ben's bed she had never felt safer. 

She still had the nightmares. She always had the nightmares. No one had ever bothered to wake her up before though. And Ben had been so conscious of touching her. Of breaking that boundary just to pull her out. 

She didn’t want him to leave. Her heart racing as he crossed his room and climbed into the bed, his feet dangled off the end and he was trying terribly hard to give her as much space as he could. When he looked at her, it was like he was patiently waiting. Wanting. Hoping. 

It was the first time she had ever shared her bed with anyone else. 

And she had woken up wrapped around him like a little monkey. His warmth and smell were intoxicating. Her heart raced and she pressed her thighs together, but it only made her want worse. Rey’s eyes dipped down his chest before snapping up to the ceiling. It was a normal thing, right? For guys in the morning? It didn’t mean anything. It couldn’t mean anything. 

She wanted to lay down again and let him pull her back into his chest where she’d be safe and warm for a few more hours. She had work at some point. She couldn’t tell the time from the filtered light through the window. And she didn’t have a phone and she didn’t see Ben with one either. She could sneak out, check the time on the oven and sneak back in. 

It was a solid plan until the telltale sound of Spongebob filtered through the door. Rey’s heart stopped. Trudge and Ushar watched Spongebob. Trudge and Ushar never got up before noon the night after a party. She was late for work– she was–

“Fuck. Fuck. No no no no no no no.” 

Rey scrambled over Ben, accidentally kneeing him in the gut. 

“Ow, fuck.” Ben jerked awake as Rey scrambled to find the pants and the shoes she kicked off in the middle of the night. “Rey?”

“I have to go.”

“Rey, wait, slow down. What–” Ben rubbed the sleep from his eyes, wincing as his hand touched the open wound on his face. “Fuck.”

“I’m late for work. I– Plutt is going to kill me.” Rey buttoned her pants and jumped her feet into her holey knockoff vans. 

Ben pushed himself out of bed. “Hold on, I can give you a ride.”

Rey fought with herself. She didn’t want to be indebted to him but with a ride across town maybe– just maybe– she wouldn’t be late enough for Plutt to be super pissed. 

“It’s just a ride.” Ben was already standing and pulling on a t-shirt and grey sweats. He moved around her as she ripped her hair out of the last surviving bun. Rey twisted her hair up into a singular bun as Ben slipped on a dingy pair of Nike slides and grabbed his car keys and wallet off the desk. 

Rey practically shoved him out of the room. The twins and AP sat on the couch with bowls of cereal and coffee. AP barely acknowledged her, choosing instead to glare at Ben. Ushar and Trudge were still too out of it to comment on her leaving his room with him. 

“AP you’re on Kuruk duty. Everyone else can clean up. I’ll be back.” Ben through his commands over his shoulder as he opened the lock on the door. She rushed ahead of him, hurrying down the stairs to the parking lot. There was only one car she didn’t recognize– an old black mustang. Rey waited impatiently at the passenger door as Ben manually unlocked the driver's side and slid in, reaching over to open the passenger door. Rey slid in. 

“Where to?” The engine started up with a roar. 

“Plutt’s Pawnshop. It’s ‘cross the river. On Deerwood.”

“Plutt’s?”

“Yeah. Go.” Rey glanced at the analog clock on the dash and began nervously tapping her fingers against her leg. She didn’t need his judgment. Everyone on the southside knew about Plutt’s business dealings. Ben put his foot on the gas and got her there in record time. 

She was still fucking late. 

He pulled up a block away when she told him too. Her hand was on the door handle before the car was even in park. 

“Wait.” 

“I can’t–“

Ben pulled his share of the weed money out of his pocket. “This is yours.”

Rey glared at him. 

“For the questions.” He added quickly. 

She softened. “Put it in the safe. Plutt will only steal it if he finds it. I have to go.”

Rey slipped out of the car and took off running down the back alley that dumped her out at the fence to Plutt’s scrapyard. She ran along the fence and squeezed between the gap between the fence and the breeze block building. She had been eating enough lately that she almost didn’t fit. 

Plutt wasn’t in the yard. Rey steeled herself as she walked in the back. 

Unkar Plutt was a heavy squat man with a beer gut that rolled over the top of dirty blue sweatpants from underneath a yellow-stained cigarette-scarred wife beater. He had a face like a blobfish with a bulbous blackhead filled nose and lifeless fishlike lips and beady black eyes. His skin always looked jaundiced except for when he was mad and it turned dark shades of red and purple. It turned purple when those dead eyes landed on her. If it wasn’t for the customers in the shop, her life may well have ended there. Rey forced herself to step behind the counter, Plutt’s stench hitting her like a brick. He grabbed her arm above her sleeve and squeezed, but she refused him the honor of a whimper, looking down as she tried to not gag on the smell of rotting teeth. 

“I’ll deal with you later, ungrateful cunt. I don’t have the fucking time for little whores who show up late to work. No pay. No food. You come home tonight or you’ll get it ten times worse next time I see you.” Plutt let her go and Rey clung to the counter as she tried to stay upright. Plutt slammed his fist into the register and pulled out a fifty when it opened. 

She watched, shaking, he lumbered out the front door. Probably to grab tonight’s drinks of choice. He’d be near blackout when she got home. Rey sat down at the cash register and tried not to think about warm soft skin under her fingertips or a strong arm gently wrapped around her waist. The man who reached for her but never touched. The store hours moved slowly. She didn’t sell anything or buy any of the junk that came her way. She knew when to look the other way. 

Rey closed up shop as slow as she could without it being slow enough to warrant wasting time. Plutt expected her when he expected her. He didn’t like to be kept waiting. She walked through the darkening streets alone. Cars passed by, their headlights highlighting the dark sidewalk. She didn’t need to see where she was going anymore. She had it memorized now. 

She stopped outside of the tiny rundown house. The exterior was crumbling at the edges, the white paint now grey with dirt and pollution. The porch always threatened to give out under her feet and she wondered how it could bear to take Plutt’s weight every day. 

The door whined and screeched as she pushed it open. The living room tv blared an ‘As Seen On TV’ commercial loudly. Plutt sat in his brown recliner, an empty beer in his hand. Freshly finished. 

“Gemme a drink, girl.” His slurred voice came from the folds of the chair. 

Rey went to the kitchen right away. Her hand shook as she pulled out another beer and popped the top. Maybe he had forgotten all about it. Maybe he didn’t care anymore. 

Rey approached the recliner and handed Plutt the beer. His meaty fisted wrapped around her wrist and yanked her closer. “Cum’mon little cunt gimme a kiss.”

Rey tried to yank away but only succeeded in sending beer everywhere. Rey watched in horror as it dripped onto Plutt’s stained shirt. 

“The fuck you’ve done.” 

She felt the sting of his blow before she heard it. Her cheek pulsed as she pushed herself off the floor. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It was my bad. I’ll get you a new shirt.”

She turned only to see Plutt’s hands reach out and grab her and throw her against the wall. “You ungrateful little slut. I give you a job. The roof over your fuckin’ head.”

Another shot to her face. Rey reeled, her body slipping into flight mode. But Plutt had her cornered now. She stared into those beady black eyes. He wasn’t drunk, not even close. He was wide awake and out for her blood. A blow to her gut sent her to the floor but a fist her in hair brought her to her feet again. Rey felt her face connect with something hard, tasted the tang of blood on her tongue, saw the darkness rapidly approaching.

* * *

_Right foot_   
_Followed by a left foot_   
_We'll guide you home before your curfew_   
_And into your bed_

_Standing on our tip-toes_   
_Peering through open windows_   
_I swear I heard my name_

_Sit tight with the lights off_   
_Waiting for my brain to start_   
_Trying to work things out_   
_It's thunder and it's lighting_   
_And it's all things too frightening_   
_I could barely see outside_

_Your body was black and blue_   
_It struck twice there's nothing new_

_Your body was black and blue  
It struck twice there's nothing new_

\- It's Thunder and It's Lightning _, We Were Promised Jetpacks_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben drops Rey off at Plutt's pawnshop. Plutt is inside and angry that Rey is late. He threatens her, then goes off to buy beer. Rey goes home after her shift at the pawnshop and is physically abused for being late.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of abuse/violence, Drugs

He returned to the loft after debating with himself if he should go into the pawnshop and convince her to come with him. He had sat outside of the shop for twenty minutes, watching as a garbage can of a human being lumbered out the door and across the street to the rundown gas station. He wouldn’t be able to convince her anyway. 

The loft was quiet when he got back. The projector had been turned off and the twins were supposedly cleaning up the wreckage of the night. Ben poured himself a cup of coffee as AP emerged from the back rooms through the hole in the wall with the medkit in his hands. 

Ben spared it a side glance. “How is he?”

“Hungover and being a little bitch about his face.” AP set the kit down on the counter. “He’ll survive. How about you?”

“Not bothering me.” Ben shrugged. He hadn’t even looked in a mirror yet today. The cut burned every time he opened his mouth. 

Ben took a sip of lukewarm coffee. AP stared him down. “Wanna tell me why the fuck Rey came out of your room with you?”

“I didn’t touch her.” Ben found AP’s gaze and held it. “I didn’t do anything that she said I couldn’t.”

AP narrowed his eyes.

“She had a nightmare and I woke her up and that was going to be it. I was going to sleep on the couch but she asked me to stay. So I did.”

AP said nothing. 

“And then she was late to work so I gave her a ride. That’s it.” That’s it. Besides the lasting ghost of a memory of having her in his arms. He wasn’t sure if it was real. He hoped that she wasn’t lying about work. That she hadn’t woken up and freaked out and tried to run away. 

“She never sleeps late.” That was the only thing AP said on the topic. It left Ben with more questions than answers. “We’ve got bigger problems now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I told you things weren’t the same, Ben.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Will you quit it with the bullshit?”

Instead of replying, AP tossed the medkit on to the couch and grabbed his black backpack off the floor. From the front pocket, he pulled a small baggie filled with something blue inside. AP lobbed the baggie at Ben and he caught it, nearly sloshing his coffee over himself. 

Inside the baggie was a small blue lump of crystals. To anyone else, it might have looked like rock candy. 

“Why the fuck do you have spice on you?”

AP’s eyes drifted to the hole in the wall. “Kuruk made some deals with the new dealer in town. Feds came in a few months after you left. Took down the Hutts. Next thing we know, there’s dudes at the door. Called themselves the First Order. Run by some ginger dude named Hux. Kuruk made a deal to distribute to the Southside without a vote. Cardo and Vic got pissed and left. They were only at the party because they wanted to see Kuruk get his head bashed in.”

Ben gripped his mug so hard it threatened to crack. He set it down slowly to grip the edge of the counter and stare at the little baggie in front of him. “Did he tell you not to tell me?”

“Would it have changed anything if I had?”

_ No.  _ Ben took a deep breath through his nose, trying to calm the raging anger beneath his skin. Kuruk had already paid. 

_ You shouldn’t have stopped _ .

“Are you the one running it?”

“Yeah.”AP ran his fingers over his face. It took everything in Ben not to destroy the kitchen and beat the rest of the life out of Kuruk. Spice had taken everything AP had. “I pick it up from the dry cleaners on 16th St. About $2000 every week, but they’ve been sending more recently.” 

“I’ll handle it.”

AP nodded, not pressing further. Ben had no clue how he was going to handle it, and AP knew it. He needed to know what Kuruk’s deals were. Who this Hux guy was. Most importantly, he needed to keep Rey far, far, far away from it. News of the change in leadership would have made its way to this Hux guy by now, or at least one of his lackeys. Someone would come knocking at the door soon. He just hoped it was later rather than sooner. 

“I’ve got a few deliveries to make today. With the party and everything we’re almost out so someone needs to make a trip to Coruscant.”

Ben nodded. “I’ll go tomorrow. Give Kuruk some of the pineapple so he stops being a little bitch.”

“Will do, Supreme leader.” AP turned away with a little salute. Ben sighs. The trip back to Coruscant would keep his mind off of her. If just for a little bit. 

When she didn’t show up to the park or the loft that night he tried not to let it bother him. Tried not to look too desperate. Tried to shrug it off when AP tells him that she shows up when she shows up and to not expect her.

He goes to Coruscant and comes back and doesn’t miss her. 

He doesn’t. 

She’s gone for nearly two weeks. 

Just when he gives up hope on ever seeing her again, he spots her sitting on the lip of the bowl with a red and blue slushie in hand. She’s in a ripped black t-shirt and shorts and vans. Her hair is up in those three buns and she’s got dark aviators over her eyes. Ben forgets he’s on his board until his shins connect with a low rail and he goes crashing to the ground. There’s a distant howl of laughter and Ben pushes himself off the ground and tries to ignore the shooting pain in his leg. He glanced at Rey to see a smirk on her lips. She takes a long sip of her slushie and leans back to soak in the last of the sun.

He fought against the urge to run right over to her. His heart pounded with some foreign boyish joy. Ben dragged himself over to sit by AP and pick gravel out of the scrapes on his palms. His knuckles and face had scabbed over from the fight. Now there were just dark bruises and aching. 

AP sighed. “Jesus fuck, man. Just go talk to her.”

“I don’t want to talk to her.” 

“You’re a fucking shit liar, you know that?”

Ben rolled his eyes and tossed a bit of gravel away. “I don’t even know what to say to her.”

“I’m pretty sure it starts with ‘ _ hey what’s up’,”  _ AP lowered his voice in a horrible imitation of Ben. 

“And if she’s not interested?”

“Then she’ll fucking tell you. Jesus Christ. I’m not your fucking baby sitter and you’re not a middle school virgin anymore.” AP picked up his board and fell into the pit and out of the conversation. Ben glanced over at her. 

She stayed as the sun sank lower into the sky and the park emptied out. She got up when they went to leave, walking closely with them through the streets. Ben found himself mute. Was this how it had been since he left? The group staying the same and Rey seamlessly blending in with it? 

There was something off, though. He could feel it, see it, almost, if he watched close enough. A stiffness as she walked, like each step was a little bit painful. He cast a worried glance at AP and his grim but uncertain face said he saw it too.

They tumbled into the loft and Rey didn’t even complain when the twins took over the projector and started playing Mortal Kombat. Rey curled up on the end of the couch and took a joint from AP. Ben stood in the kitchen and mixed two drinks. One amber. One pink. 

“Where’s Kuruk?”

It was the first thing she had said all night and it was directed at no one in particular. 

AP shrugged. “Off pouting somewhere I guess.”

Rey nodded slowly and lit her joint. Ben watched as she took a long draw and exhaled slowly. No smoke rings. He picked up the glasses and brought them to her. She didn’t even look up at him. 

“Trade?”

Rey took the pink drink from his hand and handed him the joint. Ben held it between his fingers but didn’t bring it to his lips. Something was wrong. AP shook his head–  _ Leave it _ . 

He couldn’t leave it. He couldn’t– Rey brought the drink to her lips and the light shifted enough to show five bruise marks on her wrist in the shape of fingers. They were mostly hidden by makeup. 

“Rey, look at me.” Ben’s voice came out calmer than he thought it could. He hadn’t seen a clear view of her face all night. She’d been wearing those sunglasses earlier and hadn’t taken them off until it was nearly pitch blackout. 

She didn’t lookup. “Are you going to smoke that or not? Cause I really don’t like wasting things.”

“Please. Look at me.”

She didn’t move and Ben dropped down to her eye level. She turned her head sharply. 

“Just leave it. It’s nothing.”

“Who.”  _ Who do I have to find? Who did this to you? Who do I have to kill? _

“Ben,” AP warned but Ben ignored it.

Ben slowly raised his hand to touch her jawline. She stilled under his gentle touch but let him turn her back to face him. Shimmering tears filled her eyes as she looked at him. Underneath her makeup, he could see a fading black eye, a split lip, a cut across her cheek. Five more finger-shaped bruises around her neck. 

“Who did this Rey?” The rest of the room fell away until he saw and heard nothing but her.

“Why the fuck do you care?” Rey spat. Ben pulled back his hand. “I’m nothing. I’m no one.”

“No, you’re not. Not to me.” 

Rey laughed bitterly. Tears raced down her cheeks, washing away the makeup covering the bruises. “I was fifteen fucking minutes late. I was fifteen minutes late because I woke up in your bed and I didn’t want to leave.”

Ben stumbled back a step. She may as well have stabbed him in the gut. She was late because of him. This happened because of him. Ben felt the call of the dark thing inside of him and began running for it. He was halfway out the door when two tiny hands shoved him against the brick of the hallway. 

“Just stop– Stop!” Rey stepped in front of him as he tried to stalk towards the exit. “You do not get to be pissed on my behalf. You do not get to go out and play hero or revenge or whatever fucked up thing you think of.

_ Yes. Yes, he did. Plutt was going to pay. Plutt would never see the light of day again.  _ “Move.”

“No.”

“Move!”

“No! This is not a choice you get to make.”

“He touched you. He hit you. He deserves to die.”

“Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I haven’t thought up a million ways to kill the bastard myself? I don’t need your help. I don’t want your help. I don’t want to fucking talk to you behind a glass wall for the rest of my life.”

Rey’s hands fell on his heaving chest and thumping heart. The change was almost instantaneous in him. His hands unclenched. His heart slowed. His breathing evened. He kept his arms at his sides, not wanting to scare her. 

“I’m not going back, Ben.”

“You’re not?” He choked on his words. 

Rey shook her head. “No.”

Her eyes peered up at him through dark lashes. They dropped to his lips and lingered there for a long moment before brushing back up to his eyes. He slowly raised his hands, paying close attention to how she reacted as he pulled her closer with one hand and brushed his thumb over her lips with the other. She sighed into him. He dipped his head close enough that she could reach his lips if she wanted to. 

“I won’t do anything you don’t want me to.” Ben breathed. A promise. A plea for her to meet him on her terms.

“I know.” Rey’s lips pressed against his.

She tasted sweet and a little salty. Her hands curled into fists in his shirt and Ben let her tug him down, pulling him deeper into the kiss. He carefully dragged his tongue across her lower lip, avoiding the still healing split. 

“Fucking hell, get a room.”

Ben snapped away from her, his eyes zeroing in on a very grumpy, piss drunk Kuruk. The guy's face was still covered in cuts and bruises. 

“Fuck off, Kuruk.”

Kuruk shot him the bird and stumbled into the loft. Rey watched him go before she looked back up at Ben, a smile on her lips. “Do you wanna go to McDonald’s with me?”

Ben chuckled. “Yeah, I’ll take you to McDonald's.”

“I’ll just get my money from the safe.”

“I can pay for you.” 

Rey’s face fell. “You don’t have to pay for me. I have my own money.”

“I know- I- I just wanted to.”  _ Please let me. Please just let me take care of you.  _

He watches her face drift from anger to confusion to an unsteady understanding. “Like a date?”

Ben grins. “Yeah, like a date.”

She still goes back into the loft and he follows after her, pulled along in her wake. Trudge and Ushar have already gone back to playing Mortal Kombat, if they weren’t even interrupted by him and Rey at all. There was a time when their oblivious nature had annoyed the hell out of him. Now, he envied them sometimes. AP was nowhere to be found. 

His attentions turned back to Rey as she deftly spun the dial and opened up the safe. The safe had been leftover from the loft’s days as a factory. The space had originally been the main office space, which was why it was about the only finished apartment in the building. She fished out a single bill from the envelope labeled ‘R’. He knew what was in it. Knew that there was nearly five hundred dollars of unspent money in that envelope. Money to run. Escape. Start over. He hoped she never had to use it. He hoped he could let her see that. 

Small steps. 

He followed her out the door and down to the parking lot. Rey waited patiently at the passenger's side for him to slide in and open the door from the inside. He’d have to fix that, though if his dad hadn’t managed to fix it, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to either. 

Rey slid into the passenger’s seat. Ben turned the key in the ignition. The engine roared to life. He shifted into reverse and backed up before shifting to first and pulling out of the lot onto the broken streets of Corellia’s southside.

She watched curiously as he shifted between gears and kept his eyes on the road. It was miles away from him racing to…

Anger flared through him again and he gripped the shift stick till his knuckles were white. It was taking everything for him to not  _ do  _ something. Something poked his side and Ben looked over at her. 

“What?”

“Are you always this serious and grumpy?” Rey gave him a little teasing smile. 

Ben didn’t reply. He had a reason to be grumpy. That reason faded to the back of his mind as Rey scooted across the bench seating until he had to rest her arm across her thigh to use the shifter. The feeling of her bare thigh against his forearm was enough to drive him crazy with thoughts of pulling those thighs around his waist. Of kissing down them and biting gently until she was begging him to touch her. 

Ben hit the breaks as he almost missed a stop sign. His arm unconsciously whipped out across Rey’s chest to keep her from flying forward. The car died as he frantically tried to get back into the right gear. He took a deep breath and turned the car back on. “Put your seatbelt on.”

Rey huffed. “Okay,  _ dad.” _

Ben narrowed his eyes as he looked at her. 

“I watch tv. I can make a fucking dad joke. Don’t look at me like that.”

Ben raised an eyebrow and went through the stop. That little smile still hadn’t left her lips. He could live with that. That was enough. 

Rey fiddled with the radio until classic rock came pouring out. She tried to turn the tuner dial, which spun freely but the analog marker stayed stubbornly stuck on that channel. It had been broken since 1977.

She let it be as they pulled into the McDonald’s drive-through. This late at night there wasn’t much of a wait. Ben rolled down the manual window and glanced at Rey as the universal scent of McDonald’s filled the car. “What would you like?”

Rey’s stomach chose that moment to give an ear-splitting howl. She blushed sheepishly. “Just a cheeseburger.”

The cheapest, least filling meal on the menu. Ben frowned. “Do you like Big Macs?”

Rey shifts uncomfortably. “I can pay you back.”

“You don’t have to. I don’t want you to.” 

Rey nods slowly. “I like Big Macs.”

Ben turned back to the speaker. “Hey, we’ll get two Big Mac meals. Large. Ah…”

“Dr. Pepper.” Rey supplies.

“Two Dr. Peppers. And I’ll have a chicken nugget happy meal, too. Mt. Dew.”

“That’s two Big Mac meals. A nugget happy meal. Two Dr. Peppers and a Mt. Dew. 19.55. Second window.”

Ben kept the window down as he pulled forward. Beside him, Rey hummed along happily to Def Leppard. Was this what life was supposed to feel like?

Ben paid and handed off the food and drinks to Rey. The only cup holder had been broken since before Ben had been born, so Rey held on to the two Dr. Peppers while he attempted to drive with the Mt. Dew and steering wheel in one hand. Rey stared hungrily at the giant bag of food beside her. Her stomach rumbled again.

“We’re almost there.” Ben turned off on a dirt side road that led up into the foothills over Corellia.

“If you’re going to murder me, at least let me eat first. It’s customary to give someone a last meal.”

Ben smirked as he wound up the familiar dirt road. “No murdering anyone tonight.”

_ Not tonight.  _

Ben turned the car into a small makeshift outlook. Beneath them, the lights of Corellia spread out across the low Californian hills. 

Rey’s eyes went wide at the sight. “It’s beautiful.”

_ You’re beautiful. _ Ben thought as he watched her drink in the sight. He reached over the seat and grabbed a ratty old blanket from the back. “Come on.”

He grabbed the bag of food from her and got out of the car. Ben laid the blanket on the hood of the car and set the food down on top of it. Rey climbed onto the hood and he followed hoping the old hood would hold under his weight. Rey tore into the bag. 

“Don’t touch my chickie nugs.”

Rey giggled as she pulled out the happy meal and handed it to him. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Ben broke into the box and had barely set up his nuggets and sauce before Rey had already gotten through most of her Big Mac. She groaned into it and fuck if that didn’t send his blood rushing. 

She caught him staring and blushed against the dim light, pulling the burger away from her lips. “Sorry.”

How long had it been since her last meal? How long had that bastard been hurting her?

Ben pushed that rage away, saving it for the day he could let it consume him. “I don’t mind.”

“Do you bring all your dates here?”

Ben looked out over the lights of the city. “No. Just you.”

“Do you tell them that, too?” Bitterness cut through her words.

“No,” Ben said quietly over the sound of the breeze through dead grass and the hum of crickets. “You’re the first person I’ve ever brought up here.”

“Oh.” She took a long sip of her drink and looked out over the city with those lonely eyes.  _ Why me?  _ She didn’t want to ask. 

“My dad used to bring me up here all the time and we’d eat McDonald’s and see how far we could throw rocks. It was stupid. But it’s about the only good memory I have of him.”

“Where’s he now?”

“He died. Aneurysm. Day after graduation. One day he was there and the next day he was gone.” Ben shrugged and leaned back across the windshield as he ate. He could watch her from here. Her baby hairs caught the distant light from the city forming a softly glowing halo against her skin. 

“Have you ever heard of the Convent of St. Agnes?” Rey peered back to see him shake his head. She took a deep breath and focused on picking at her fries. “They were a group of British religious fanatics that came to America in the 1970s after their leader got into a bit of trouble with the British government. They set up shop in Jakku in the middle of the desert where no one would bother them. And people came to join them from all over. Mostly young women who got pregnant and had nowhere else to go. They believed that there was some sort of doomsday. And the leader, this dude named Palpatine, claimed to be the only one who could offer them redemption. Classic cult shit.”

Ben dared not move as Rey let her pieces fall into place. 

“The feds raided it when I was maybe six and half the convent locked themselves in the church and killed themselves. I don’t remember much of it. Only that the nuns hated children. That we were the personification of the sins of our mothers.”

“Did your mom…”

Rey shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. They raised us communally. No one knew who their parents were. No one ever claimed me and they didn’t keep any records. That’s why I don’t know how old I am.”

Ben fought against the urge to reach out and pull her close. To offer whatever protection against the world he could for her. “That’s fucked up.”

Rey snorted. “Yeah, just a little bit.”

“Do you tell all the guys you date that?”

He could see her eyes roll and smirk even in the dim light. “No. Just you. I wasn’t aware we were dating.”

Ben shrugged. “We’re on a date. That means we are currently  _ date- _ ing.”

“That’s not what that means.” 

“Still. You didn’t have to tell me that.”

Rey finished off her fries. “Secret for a secret.”

“Sometimes I purposefully crop dust and blame it on Trudge.”

Rey choked as she took a sip of her drink. “Oh fuck! It went up my nose. Fuck. How does that even work? Trudge is  _ never  _ quiet when he farts.”

“I think it just confuses him.” Ben chuckled and pulled out his happy meal fries. He ate them all in about two bites. “Come on. Secret for a secret.”

Rey giggled and laid back against the windshield. Her eyes took in the bright half-moon and clear night sky. His eyes take in her. “I always chose Daisy in Mario Kart cause it’s my favorite flower. And her bike is one of the fastest in the game. And no one ever picks her.”

* * *

_This isn't violence this is just a war in my head_  
_I give it time but it never seems to end_  
_I feel a fire in the back of my throat_  
_So let's get covered in flames and play some games with the smoke_

_-_ Smoke _, PVRIS_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Mario Kart au you never asked for and never knew you needed... :D
> 
> Follow Me On [Tumblr!](https://thesnowfire13.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [Daisies in the Dark Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1mxtICJji3vcUD2ffrXDGA?si=kgFcdeN0R3KP9CWurdlEPg)


	6. Chapter 6

No one ever picked her. 

She’d gotten so used to it that the thought of anyone ever actually choosing her, wanting to hang out with her, wanting to just  _ be  _ with her made her head hurt. It just wasn’t possible. It felt like a prank. Like someone was going to jump out of the bushes and it would all be some massive joke to them. To him. That she wanted to feel wanted. That she wanted. 

She can feel his eyes on her like a gentle caress. He keeps looking at her and she doesn’t understand why so she stares at the stars instead until she works up the courage to look back.

He doesn’t look away. Doesn’t pretend to not be drinking in every bit of her he can take. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” Ben plays it innocently.

“Like…”  _ Like I hold all your answers to the universe. Like I’m as fragile and as strong as I feel. Like you want to tell me all your secrets. Like I can say mine back. Like the night makes room for the light.  _ Rey swallows and looks back up at the stars. “I don’t know. Never mind.”

He lets it go. She knows what he’s doing. She knows he’s slowly trying to gain her trust. And she’s letting him do it. She’s falling for it every time. 

“I dropped out. I didn’t blow up the chem lab. There was a small incident involving cesium and a misunderstanding. But… no one got hurt and no one cared.”

“Why’d you drop out then?”

“I… Everything went to shit after my dad died. I moved back with her for a bit after that. I was going to UC in Coruscant where she lived anyway. But that meant leaving Corellia. Leaving the others.” Ben shook his head. “I think I reminded her too much of him. Cause moving in with her only made it worse. And I was so angry. So alone. And nothing got better when I moved into the dorms so I dropped out.” 

Rey let her hand creep slowly across the hood of the car until she felt his skin brush against hers. It sent a warm buzz up her arm like she was touching a low voltage live wire. Her heart raced as his pinky overlapped with hers. She dared not look at him and she slipped her hand completely into his. “You’re not alone. Not anymore.”

“Neither are you.”

Rey met his warm eyes. If he was playing games with her, he didn’t show it. Maybe his poker face was pro-level. Maybe he really believed he wanted her. She chose to believe him. She chose to trust the ache in her heart. 

“I haven’t told my mom yet though,” Ben says. “I haven’t talked to her in a while. I don’t even think she knows where I am.”

“What’s she like?”

He plays with his finger over her hand, dragging it back and forth over her skin. “I blamed her for a lot of things growing up. For leaving my dad. For leaving me with him. For not fighting hard enough for me. She’s… I’ve never been her first priority. It was better if I just fucked off in Corellia. She’ll love you though.”

Rey’s throat tightened.  _ He wanted her to meet his mom. He wanted-  _

“She will?”

Her voice comes out tight and high. She didn’t know what scared her more- that he wanted her to meet his mom or that she wanted to. 

“Yeah.” Ben rolled over to face her, so close he could just lean down to kiss her. Rey didn’t move. “I think you owe me two secrets.”

Rey bit back a smile as she thought back to that night on the couch. “I don’t have that many.”

“I’m sure there is something.”

Rey sighed but only succeeded in catching the musky, rich scent of him. She let herself look at him. Let herself wonder what it would feel like to run her fingers through his hair. To have him on top of her. “I steal slushies from the 7-Eleven.”

“Red and blue ones.” Ben grins. 

“Yeah.” 

“That’s one.” 

Rey glanced at his lips. “And… I want to kiss you.”

“That’s not a secret.” Ben gives a low laugh. 

Rey rolled her eyes and shoved his shoulder. “You’re a dick.”

“That’s also not a secret, sweetheart.” He’s close enough for her to feel the heat of his breath against her lips. 

“I gave the first guy who kissed me a black eye.”

“Poor bastard.” Ben’s lips brushed against hers like a promise. Her body came to life at his touch. Rivers of want pooled in her core. She wanted nothing more than to drag him closer. 

“He deserved it,” Rey whispered.

“I have no doubt.”

She pressed herself up to meet his warm lips. He took her in with a small gasp of surprise. She kissed him softly, her lips explored his, her tongue darting out to taste. A whimper escaped her lips as his tongue greedily pushed back. Rey lifted her hand to caress his cheek and lips when she broke away for a breath. 

“Is this okay?” Ben breathes, his eyes hooded as he looks down at her. Rey doesn’t answer as she finally–  _ finally–  _ runs her fingers through incredibly soft, thick, raven hair. She pulls him down to meet her. 

He’s being careful; his hands stay away from her, his lips soft against the cut on her lip. She doesn’t want that anymore. She can’t worry about this all being a big joke at her expense because it can’t be. Because no one kisses like this when they’re joking. No one is this gentle when they don’t give a fuck.

She breaks away just barely, her lips brushing against his as she whispers, “Touch me.”

His eyes, dark with need, met hers as his hand trailed over her hips and waist skipping over her chest to brush over her jaw and set her skin on fire. “Please, please, please promise you’ll tell me if you want me to stop. I won’t– I can’t– if anything happens to you because of me…” 

“I promise.” Rey runs her thumb against the prickly dark stubble on his chin and caresses his wet lips. “I want this.”

_ Even if it’s just for the night. Even if I wake up tomorrow and you’re gone like everyone else. Even if it’s only to win a stupid bet and take what Kuruk thought was his. _

When Ben kisses her again, everything has changed. His tongue and lips devour her, his teeth nibble and pull gently at her lip. His hands pull her closer, impossibly close, until she feels the weight of him on top of her. Her mind is lost in a chaotic orchestra of touch and taste and sound. All she wants is to get closer to him. Her hands drift from his hair to his back, her fingertips exploring the planes of muscle over his shirt. She shifts her hips until he’s completely on top of her half lying between her legs on the hood of his car. She moans into his mouth as his free hand drifts down to hold her waist and pull her in. Heat pools between her legs and begs for friction as she hitches her legs around his waist and cants her hips. 

“Fuck, Rey.”

She doesn’t understand how he’s still speaking. All words are gone from her head, all she knows is him.

His lips leave her mouth and kiss sloppy trails down her neck as she wantonly grinds against him. She desperately tries to pull him closer, to feel him against her. Her short nails claw down his back and Ben groans against her ear. 

Rey curses softly as hot tendrils of fire twist down her spine to her core. 

“Want you.”

She whimpers as Ben pulls away instead, his hot breaths coming out as shuttering pants. “Fuck.” 

He shudders and rests his head against her shoulder, cursing softly again. “I don’t have a condom.”

“I…” Rey stopped herself. She had the pill but it had been days since she took it. It was still back at Plutt’s anyways. All of her stuff was. Not that any of it was of any value. “We can get some. Or, go back to the apartment. Or…”

“We can wait. It can wait. I don’t want to rush you. I don’t want to rush us.” Ben swallowed nervously as he looked down at her. 

Rey frowned. “Have you never-”

Ben went quiet, his mind drifting off elsewhere. “It’s just been a while.”

“Oh.”

“Have you… ever…”

Rey looks away from him, unable to take in his reaction as she shakes her head. “No. I’ve just- I’ve never been able to let anyone touch me before.”

Ben goes quiet. 

“Did I do something wrong?”

She hates it. She hates how desperate she sounds. How quiet he got. She can barely see him in the dark, can’t make out the look on his face. 

“I don’t think you could ever do anything wrong,” Ben says quietly. “I’m the one who fucks up in this. I’m the one who fucks up everything good in my life.”

His words settle around her in a heavy haze that she can’t quite comprehend. She means something to him. She means something and she can’t understand why. 

“We should go back,” she whispers, “before Trudge and Ushar burn the place down.”

Ben laughs softly and the haze dissipates. “They probably shouldn’t be left alone.”

“The death threats do get worse when they play Mortal Kombat.”

Ben slides off of her to the ground and offers her a hand to help her down. Rey takes it without hesitation. 

They wind back down the foothill in the dark. Rey abandons the passenger seat for the middle, getting as close to Ben as she can with a shifter in the way. His forearm rests across her thighs, his hand in the shift stick. She can’t stop herself from watching his hands flex as he shifts between gears. It could be classified as torture to watch. 

He keeps wiggling beside her uncomfortably. Rey notices after about the sixth time when they come to a stop. She raises her brow and Ben sheepishly shifts again. “I… might have to take a cold shower when we get back.”

“Don’t worry. Seeing Kuruk is enough of a cold shower.”

Ben laughs and Rey’s grin turns stupidly big. She wants to hear him laugh for the rest of her life. She can’t seem to wipe the grin off her face as they cruise through the mostly vacant side streets of Corellia. 

A sinking twisting feeling engulfs her when she sees APs car in the parking lot. He’d be up there. Kuruk would be up there— though he had looked so blitzed he might not remember anything by morning. Trudge and Ushar… well, she could always count on them to be blissfully oblivious to everything, but the moment they caught on, she’d never hear the end of it. She’d have to break their boards again. It was the reason she never got with any of them before— it was too messy. There was too much room for awkwardness. It would be too easy for her to become nothing but a  _ thing  _ to them. Some conquest to boast about. 

Ben shuts off the car and starts to get out before he notices that she’s not moving. She’s just looking up at the few lit windows of the apartment, biting her lip. Contemplating. Everything had happened so quickly. She hadn’t even meant to show up to the park. She just kinda did. Because it was natural. Because she wanted to see him again. Because she needed one part of her life to not hurt for a second. 

A dark part of her had wanted Ben to find out. It knew that Ben would fly into a rage– the same way he had when he saw Kuruk grabbing her at the party. It was the same dark part of her that had fantasized about feeding Plutt his heart medication until he choked on it. Or running him through with a knife. Or squeezing his bulbous excuse of a neck until those beady eyes popped out. 

She stopped Ben from doing that the same way she always stopped herself. They were the outcasts. Society's scapegoats. The fingers would always, eventually, land on them. 

Rey hadn’t planned to stay at the loft. That’s why she hadn’t packed. Hadn’t left a well crafted false trail of her plans to run away. But when Ben looked at her like that– when just touching him flipped the switch from beast to man– she couldn’t imagine going back. 

And then they kissed and he bought her McDonald’s and took her to a place no one else knew about and told her his secrets and fuck she knew that was a low bar but  _ no one  _ had ever given her anything. Trusted her. Wanted her. 

Her heart was racing as her throat constricted and Ben was asking her what was wrong and it was all too much. It was all- Her hand was on the door handle and she was out of the car and running across the parking lot to the giant field of dead grass. She ran until her lungs screamed and her legs threatened to give out. 

“Maker. Fuck, you’re fast.”

She would have lost her breath if it wasn’t gone already as she turned to see Ben keeled over and huffing behind her. She could barely make out his shape in the dim light from the moon and distant city lights. 

_ He came after me.  _

“Rey, come back to the car. I’m about ninety-nine percent sure there’s rattlesnakes out here.”

_ He raced out here after me when I acted like a crazy person and ran. _

“Please talk to me. Say something.” He sounded desperate. Terrified. 

_ Why?  _

“It’s… I…” The words barely crossed her lips. “Is this– Do you know about the bet?”

“What bet?”

“The one the guys made about me.”

Ben goes still and quiet and a choked sob escapes from her lips. “No! No. I wasn’t in on it. I wasn’t. They told me about it. Kuruk bragged about it. Rey, I would never do that to you. Come back to the loft, please.”

“Am I just some game to, I don’t know, fucking assert your dominance?”

“No.” He said it in a way that told her he already had. 

“Then why did you come after me.”

“Why did I– of course, I came after you. You ran into the middle of a fucking snake-infested field at two in the morning, Rey! Can we please talk about this somewhere else? Please?”

Her heart still raced as her mind desperately tried to believe, to understand what he was saying to her. 

“Rey, please. I haven’t stopped thinking about you from the moment I first saw you.”

She remembered that moment deep in her soul. Like the universe had shifted around her. 

“I wanted to murder Kuruk because he kept making you uncomfortable. I almost did when I saw him grabbing you. And if I’ve done anything ever to make you feel like that I will throw myself off a bridge. And I know, I know that you can fend for yourself. That you’re strong and powerful and terrifying sometimes. But you shouldn’t have to all the time. You don’t have to be alone.”

_ You’re not alone.  _

“I’m not going to leave unless you want me to.” In the darkness, Ben reached his hand out to her. Hands shaking, Rey reached back. 

When her fingers brush against him, everything hits her all at once. Her stomach twists as her heart aches. Her tears which she had stubbornly kept from falling crashed over her cheeks in rivers. She felt powerful and powerless at the same time like she could rule the world or it could crumble beneath her feet. The control that she so tightly clung to began to slip from her hands to his. 

She might have kissed him again if there wasn’t the telltale rattle of a very angry rattlesnake to her left. They both froze, not daring to breathe as the rattle grew louder. She couldn’t tell where the creature was in the tall, dark sea of grasses. 

_ Fuck fuck fuck fuck  _

Her lungs tightened as her legs refused to move, her eyes searching the darkness for some sort of movement. Anything to give her a clear idea of where the beast could be. She didn’t know what she would do when she found it. She didn’t think she could do anything. 

It was only when Ben yanked on her arm that she turned and sprinted back towards the lights of the loft. His hand never left hers as he pulled her along. Kept her feet moving, even as her lungs burned from lack of air. They didn’t stop until they reached pavement. 

“Are… you… okay?” Ben gasped beside her as she wheezed. 

She couldn’t speak, only nod frantically. It was several minutes before she fully caught her breath again. Several minutes to bask in her own sheer stupidity. He must be thinking that she was a psycho. No sane person just randomly runs into the middle of a field because they’re scared of a little commitment. Right? 

_ He came after you. That has to stand for something. That has to.  _

Rey closed her eyes and pressed her face into her hands. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that. I do, actually, but it’s stupid. I’m stupid. Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“You’re not the only one who runs when things get scary,” Ben says quietly. He doesn’t elaborate, only takes her hand in his and leads her inside. 

* * *

_ I run away when things are good _

_ And never really understood _

_ The way you laid your eyes on me _

_ In ways that no one ever could _

_ And so it seems I broke your heart _

_ My ignorance has struck again _

_ I failed to see it from the start _

_ And tore you open 'til the end _

_ And I'm sorry to my unknown lover _

_ Sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really _

_ Starts to fall in love with me _

_ Sorry to my unknown lover _

_ Sorry I could be so blind _

_ Didn't mean to leave you _

_ And all of the things that we had behind  _

- Sorry _ , Halsey _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry by Halsey just hits different after a break-up. It's been a rough week (due to work, not breakup), so I'm uploading lots to get that good, good serotonin. Drop a comment (They keep me motivated)!
> 
> Follow Me On [Tumblr!](https://thesnowfire13.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [Daisies in the Dark Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1mxtICJji3vcUD2ffrXDGA?si=kgFcdeN0R3KP9CWurdlEPg)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of abuse, Drug Use

He’s been running since Han died. He ran to college. Partied and fucked off and barely passed classes. And when that had stopped feeling like running he ran away from that too. Away from his mother. Away from anywhere, he had to be Ben Solo. But when she ran, he ran after her. It should scare him, the way he’s falling for her so fast, so completely, but right now it doesn’t. Maybe he’s just running again. Escaping into the one thing he could drown in if she let him. 

They find the loft almost exactly how they left it with Trudge and Ushar yelling at each other over their game. AP sits on the couch beside them quietly packing a hit for her as if he knew exactly when they’d get back. His eyes flicker up briefly to take in Rey. Her hand in his. The sweaty look of them both. The man’s eyes don’t linger for long. Instead, he reached down and pulled out a packed blue backpack more held together by duct tape than the actual stitching. 

“You got my stuff?” Rey’s hand slipped from Ben’s.

_He went to Plutt’s?_

AP nodded. “You’re not going back there. I left a trail pointing north in case someone tries looking for you. 

“Thank you,” Rey muttered quietly, clutching the bag to her chest. AP only nodded as he caught Ben’s eye. It was a warning and a promise at once. A warning to not hurt Rey. To not do something stupid like go after Plutt. And a promise that she would be safe. Those things would get taken care of. 

If they were going to end Plutt, they had to do it right. Rey couldn’t get caught in the crosshairs. 

Ben nodded. As Rey sat in her spot on the couch, AP packed up and turned in for the night. He leaned against the wall watching her as she expertly sucked in a breath of smoke and exhaled slowly, sending rings of smoke drifting into the air. He could watch her for hours. Instead, Ben stepped into the kitchen and poured himself a drink. Bartending was about the only thing he missed about college and one of the few skills Leia had taught him. 

He sipped the Corellian whiskey slowly, savoring the taste. It was about the only thing that Corellia ever got right. It wasn’t hard for his eyes to drift over to Rey, to watch her as she blew dozens of perfect rings into the air. 

Trudge and Ushar burst from their spots on the couch, screaming at each other in rapid Spanish as they argued over the screen. Rey huffed and picked up something from the floor. She lobbed it at the projector and the soft object bounced off of it, hitting it just barely hard enough for the projector to go dark. The yelling stopped as the twins turned to look at her. Rey waved a hand. “Acuéstate. Ahora.”

The boys stared at her and Rey raised an eyebrow. “Now!”

With grunts of protest, the two slunk off to their rooms leaving just him and Rey. She was more a leader than he ever was. She didn’t even try. It should have bothered him, but he felt anything but that. He only felt that he should get on his knees and worship her until she was cumming against his lips. 

He approached her softly. Her eyes locked with his. The taste of her was still fresh on his lips. He could see a million thoughts race through her head. A flash of panic mixed with uncertainty mixed with want. 

Slow. Ben took a deep breath. He was far too volatile. Far too broken. Far too at risk of burning them to the ground before they even started. “I can sleep on the couch.”

Rey bit her lip, mulling it over in her head. “I don’t mind… We can share a bed again. If you want. Like last time?”

Ben nodded, keeping his face as neutral as he could. Some of the desperate happiness made its way to his lips. He turned away and ran a hand through his hair. “Are you tired? I have been working on my Mario Kart skills.”

Rey’s face lit up. “You’re on.”

She jumped over the back of the couch and set up the projector and Wii. Ben caught the remote she tossed to him. “Do you have a preference?”

He shook his head, trying to not let his dorky smile overtake him as she sat down on the couch beside him. She semi faced him, her feet tucked up underneath her as she expertly set up the game for five rounds on random courses at the fastest speed. When it came time to choose characters, Ben clicked on Daisy before she could and the room went quiet. 

Rey stared at him, her mouth slightly parted. “You can’t- you can’t do that.”

Ben chuckled, taking in the lost and slightly pissed off look on her face. “I’m pretty sure I can choose whatever character I want, sweetheart.”

“But,” Rey’s lips parted and shut several times, the words never quite leaving her lips. Her eyes narrowed and her lips pressed into a thin line. “You’re an asshole.”

Ben grinned, letting his smile take over. _She’s cute when she’s pissed off._ “I know.”

It was only when she chose Yoshi with his Mach Bike that he realized Rey played for keeps. Rey grinned wickedly. “How about we up the stakes?”

He had died and gone to the afterlife. He was sure of it. There was no way the girl of his dreams was offering to up the stakes. “What do you have in mind?”

“Lose a round, lose an item of clothing.” 

_Or we can just skip past this._

Ben swallowed. His heart raced as Rey glanced over at him. There was a tinge of red in her cheeks and he was sure that his ears were the same. “Five rounds right?”

Rey nodded.

“They can’t all be Rainbow Road.” Ben watched Rey try to hide her grin. 

“Fine. We can do random. If you insist on fairness.” She glanced at him, her eyes light and mirthful. 

Ben wasn’t sure if he had ever been so torn between winning and losing. “You’re on.” 

Rey hit play. 

Ben groaned as Rainbow Road popped up anyway. “I swear if you have this game rigged.”

Rey giggled as the countdown ticked down. He’s too distracted by her smile to get the countdown boost but refuses to give up even when he falls off the road for what feels like the 100th time. She comes in second place when he comes in last. One-nothing, Rey. 

Rey bites her lip as she looks over at him with a nervous grin. “You lost.”

Ben looked down at himself. “Do socks count as one or two?”

“One.” Rey blushed, the color rising in her cheeks as she watched him. 

Ben peeled off his socks and tossed them blindly towards his room. He sticks out his feet and wiggles them. “There.”

The next round, a last-second blue shell took Rey out and Ben sped past her. 

One-one. 

Rey striped her shoes off. No socks.

He tries not to take a mental note of how many items of clothing she has on and fails miserably. Four. At least. One more than him, which usually he would say was an unfair advantage. Ben was having a hard time complaining at the moment. 

He was so distracted that Rey laps him before he even moves from the finish line. 

“Come on, grandpa. I thought you said you were going to give me some real competition.” Rey nudged him with her elbow and immediately went sliding off the tree trunk turns of Maple Treeway. “Shit.” 

The race times out before he even crosses the finish line. Without hesitation, he strips off his shirt and throws it at his door. Rey makes a small noise, color rising to her cheeks as she looks away from him as fast as she can. As the next race counts down, he catches her glancing over at him, her eyes lingering on his bare skin. 

He knew he said they should wait. Go slow. But it was hard to think like that with her darkening eyes and the lip between her teeth. 

He gets the countdown boost and zooms off around DK Summit. It’s one of his favorite courses and he comes in second when Rey hits a banana peel and falls to fifth. 

Two-two. 

“Next one wins it.” Ben glances at her, trying to get a read. “You don’t have to-”

Before he can finish, Rey pulls off her shirt, leaving her in a black lacy bralette. She tosses it towards the bedroom. Ben sucks in a breath and looks away as heat floods his keeps and the tips of his ears. He shifts uncomfortably, trying to adjust himself in his pants without her noticing.

Ben stared at the screen, trying to ignore Rey beside him. It’s impossible to not look when her skin glows in the soft light and he spots the smattering of freckles across her bare shoulders. He wants to know how they taste. He wants the little whimpers to fall from her lips for him when he kisses down her neck. 

Rey catches him looking, but Ben doesn’t look away. Not even as the countdown hits zero and the race around Delfino Pier begins. Rey raises a brow, a challenge. “You have to win if you want to see more.”

She was trying to kill him, he was sure of it. 

Her hands shook as she tried to concentrate on the last race. Even with a head start, it wasn’t her finest moment. She was half-baked, head in the clouds, subtle euphoria. Ben’s eyes traced hotlines over her skin. She shivered at the memory of his touch on the hood of his car. 

It was stupid how much she trusted him when she barely knew him. But somehow she knew– he felt it, too. 

One-touch and all she wanted was more. 

Ben had caught up to her, racing along just behind her as she took the sharp corner to the finish line to end lap two. Last lap. Did she lose and take her pants off? Did she win and let him take his pants off? Would things from the car continue? She wanted them to. She never wanted to be touched so badly as she did by him. Only him. Did he want to touch her? She knew she wasn’t much to look at and with the bruises...

Rey froze as she crossed the finish line, so lost in her thoughts that she hadn’t realized how close she was. Ben crossed the line seconds after her. 

The bruises. She hadn’t covered the ones over her ribs. Some of them were still an ugly purple. Rey pressed her fingertips lightly to the darkest one and winced. 

“Rey?”

She wraps her arms around her center. He’d be so angry at her leaving. She had no idea what Plutt might do once he realized she was gone. He could report her missing, but then he’d miss out on his checks. There was a home check soon, too. He could make up some horrible lie about her stealing from the shop. The cops could find her and send her right back to him. 

“Rey, look at me. Please.” 

All life had done was take and take and take from her until she had nothing left to give. She was so tired and so angry and so done. She only wanted one thing for herself. She only wanted to feel less alone again. 

“I don’t want you to get upset.”

She risked a glance at him, expecting pity. She only found concern and worry in those dark furrowed brows. 

“Why would I get upset?”

She tried to get the words out. Her throat seemed to clamp down on them before they could pass through to her lips. She’d never talked much. To anyone. “It’s-” She swallowed. “I can’t-”

He seemed to understand what she was trying to say. His eyes were soft as he gently asked in that calming tone, “Can you show me?”

Rey stood, her hands shaking as she slipped off her shorts and stepped out of them. She turned to face him and held her hands in fists at her sides to stop them from shaking. With a deep breath, she looked at him. 

Ben hadn’t moved from the couch. His hands gripped tightly around the Wii controller as the finish line music played in the background. She could tell he was angry by the twitch in his cheek, the fire behind his eyes. She spent her whole life trying to keep people from being angry. Angry people took their anger out on her. 

So why then did she feel completely safe with this boy who was just barely more than a stranger? It terrified her. It should terrify her. She should be running, kicking and screaming and biting like she always had. Until now. 

“Please… Say something.” His eyes had not left the myriad of bruises across her skin. Some were old and yellowed and faded, others new and black or purple, some in-between. 

“What do you want me to do?” Ben’s dark eyes met hers. “Whatever you want done to him, I will make sure it happens.”

Something dark and dangerous inside her purred. The very thing that screamed out for vengeance with every blow. The wild, feral thing she kept inside of her, born out of the desert. Rey nodded.

Two bangs sounded on the loft door. Ben turned to look at it before looking back at her. “Go hide.”

Rey gathered her things quickly from the floor and went into Ben’s room leaving the door open just barely a crack. She could see just a sliver of the front door and Ben’s body moving to stand behind it and undo the lock. The door slid open a fraction. She couldn’t see who it was beyond Ben, but a low unfamiliar voice spoke. It was too low for Rey to hear over the Wii and a moment later, the door slid shut. Ben locked it and Rey backed away from the door towards the bed. She was still just wearing her underwear and bralette, so she picked up a dark t-shirt off the floor and threw it on. 

Nothing sounded better than a shower. 

Rey opened the bedroom door and slipped out to see Ben standing at the kitchen counter, a glass of whiskey in one hand, and what looked like a burner phone in front of him. His head was somewhere else now.

“What’s wrong?”

Ben shook his head after a moment. “Nothing. Just business.”

That was something she was used to hearing. Usually from AP. “Okay. Imma take a shower.”

Ben raised a brow. His frown instantly replaced with a smirk. Rey rolled her eyes. “I swear to the gods, if you say something like ‘Can I join?’ it will only confirm everything I first thought about you.”

Gods she wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. 

“And what would that be, sweetheart?” 

“You’re a condescending, cocky asshole. That’s what.” Rey crossed her arms over her chest. This is what she needed to get her mind off of everything. Ben gave her a shit-eating grin, looked her up and down, and licked his lips. 

“You don’t seem to mind, do you?”

Rey lost the battle of hiding her smile and turned into the bathroom. “Fuck off, Kylo Ren.”

“So was that an invitation?” He called after her. 

“In your dreams.” Rey shut the bathroom door. The room was spacious and probably could be a decent bathroom, but from the looks of it the boys hadn’t cleaned it since they moved in. There were bottles full, half-gone, and completely empty of two-in-one all the way up to six-in-one. She took a deep breath and tried to push down her deep instinct to clean everything. She was not their mother. She was a roommate. And if they thought having a girl roommate would mean they could fuck off even more, she’d throttle them. 

She got the shower going and stripped off her clothes before stepping under the scalding water. That was another plus about the loft. The boiler was meant for a whole apartment complex, so there was always hot water and good water pressure. The heat soaked into her skin and Rey took in a deep breath of steam. There was no one to hurt her here. She was safe. She had Ben and AP and Ushar and Trudge. Plutt barely knew she hung out at the skatepark. He had no idea where she disappeared to, at least not that Rey knew of. 

She still had another year in the system. Another year of either getting caught and being placed elsewhere or looking over her shoulder at every turn, waiting for the system to knock on her door. As she stood under the hot water and bowed her head to let the streams pound against her shoulders, she realized that she didn’t want to be caught again. If they caught her they would ask her why she ran and she would tell them about Plutt. And even if they didn’t believe her, she wouldn’t go back. They’d put her in a home or finally ship her back to Jakku or god knows where. She’d lose the Knights. She’d lose Ben. 

Rey frowned and this newfound attachment that throbbed against her heart and pulled strings at her gut. She never got attached. Never let herself let her guard down. Not once since she learned not to. Not once since she stopped crying and realized that _they_ were never coming back for her. 

_Ben did._

_“I haven’t stopped thinking about you from the moment I first saw you.”_

She hadn’t stopped thinking about him either. About the first time she saw him. About how he looked at her so intensely with a little bit of desperation. About how he let her touch him, the feeling of waking up in his arms. The cheeky little grin he liked to show her, one that she was certain no one else got to see. 

It was strange- wanting to touch and be touched in return. She’d never felt it with anyone before. Never wanted to be held. To hold. To kiss and grab and pull. 

The thought of him pulling her close of his lips hot on her skin and gentle hands had her wishing they hadn’t stopped on the car. Wishing that he would slip through the bathroom door and join her. She knew he wouldn’t until she asked.

Rey found an almost empty bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner that was at least three years old but made due with them. She sniffed through the body washes (well, the strange 2-in-1s and 5-in-1s) and paused on the one that-oh, yes- definitely smelled like Ben. She sniffed it for far too long when she knew she had the real thing waiting for her. She poured some in her palm and washed her skin before finishing up. She dried off quickly and threw on Ben’s shirt and her underwear. Anxious energy built up in her chest as she towel-dried her hair. Ben was just on the other side of the door. Did she want to pick up where they had left off? Did he? Did he even want damaged goods? 

Rey took a deep breath and stepped out of the bathroom. Ben stood exactly where she left him, though the glass beside him was empty now. He braced himself against the counter as he looked down at the phone. Mario Kart music still played in the background. Rey shut off the Wii, then the projector and the loft fell into a soft silence that pulled Ben from his reverie. She held out her hand to him and smiled as his face relaxed and his lips quirked into a grin. 

“Come to bed.”

* * *

_Your laugh, echoes down the hallway_   
_Carves into my hollow chest, spreads over the emptiness_   
_It's bliss_

_I_ _t's so simple but we can't stay_   
_Overanalyze again, would it really kill you if we kissed_

_All we do is drive_   
_All we do is think about the feelings that we hide_   
_All we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign_   
_Sick and full of pride_   
_All we do is drive_

_And California never felt like home to me_   
_And California never felt like home_   
_And California never felt like home to me_   
_Until I had you on the open road and I was singing_

_-_ Drive _, Halsey_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strip Mario Kart that no one asked for :D I did not think that Mario Kart would be such an integral part of this story, but here we are
> 
> Follow Me On [Tumblr!](https://thesnowfire13.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [Daisies in the Dark Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1mxtICJji3vcUD2ffrXDGA?si=kgFcdeN0R3KP9CWurdlEPg)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions/Depictions of Abuse, Drug Use

She didn’t know what to expect or really what she wanted. All Rey knew was that she felt safe at his side. Judging by the look on his face, Ben wasn’t sure of anything either. But he left the phone on the counter and finished the drink in his hand and steadily crossed the room to take her hand. 

Small streams of electricity flowed through her hand at his touch. She couldn’t remember the last time she had just held someone’s hand. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had touched her gently. Rey shivered as Ben squeezed her hand gently. She looked up to see him watching her with concern in his eyes. 

“I’ll sleep on the couch if you want me to.”

He was so earnest, so considerate. She didn’t know how to comprehend him. It seemed that everyone in her life always wanted something from her or expected something out of her. It terrified her to the core to have him look at her like that. To have him see her and want nothing but what she would give him. 

“I don’t- I don’t want to be alone anymore.” She whispered, her voice cracking over the words. She’d spent so much of her life alone and forgotten and she hadn’t minded it. It worked to her advantage to be forgotten. But, Ben had come out of nowhere and hit her like a freight train and reminded her what it was like. To be noticed. Wanted. 

“You’re not alone.” Ben reached out tentatively. His fingers caressed her cheek as he pushed away a stray strand of hair. Rey found herself leaning into his touch, ghosting her lips over the palm of his hand. Ben shuddered. He didn’t move his hand, cupping her cheek gently. She could feel his warmth and the calluses of his hands. Rey wanted nothing more than to bury her face in his chest and let him hold her until she drifted off to sleep. 

She was too high for this and not high enough. The dark look in his eyes was too intense and all of this became far too much. Panic constricted itself around her heart and lungs. Rey struggled to take in a breath. 

She was losing it. She was fucking losing it. 

First the field and now here. He must think she was insane. _Poor little Rey. Kicked to the side by parents who didn’t care. Tossed from abuser to abuser. Thrown out of the good houses because she was too much to handle._

Tears leaked from her eyes and a choked laugh burst from her lips. Ben startled, drawing his hand away from her cheek. Rey only cried harder and tried to stifle her sobs with her hand. It took everything in her not to chase after his hand and press it back to her skin. 

No one had ever touched her like that. Everyone wanted to leave a bruise. When she woke up on the floor of Plutt’s living room in a puddle of her own blood, she wished he had finished the job. She wished that he had put her out of her misery. 

Instead, she had picked herself up off the floor and gone to the kitchen to grab the rags and cleaning supplies. She had to get it cleaned up before Plutt got back from wherever he was. She had to get the stains out of the rugs and clear away the beer bottles and wipe up where that had gotten spilled, too. 

“Rey, come back to me.” Ben’s voice pulled at the edge of her thoughts. “Please look at me.”

She hiccupped and forced herself to look at him through teary eyes. “I- I’m sorry. I…”

“Baby… You have no reason to be sorry. For anything.”

“It’s too much, Ben,” She gasped through her sobs. “It’s too much.”

“I know, sweetheart,” Ben says softly. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone again if you don’t want to be. I will never let him touch you again. I promise.”

She can only nod as she chokes on her tears. She tries to believe him. Tries to understand that he’s telling her the truth. 

“Go to bed okay? I’ll be there in a minute. I’m going to get you some water.”

Rey tries taking a deep breath as she nods only for it to catch and start her tears all over again. _Stupid. Stupid and fucked up and he was going to get tired of her crying all the time. No one wanted a cryer._ _No one wanted a whiner._ Her chin trembled as she tried to hold her own against the toxic thoughts bubbling in her head. Ben’s brow furrowed as he looked down at her, then his hands were on her cheeks and his lips pressed to her forehead. Rey felt her knees buckle as she whimpered, but Ben caught her easily. He scooped her into his arms and Rey buried her face into his chest. She was too tired, too weak to move or process or protest. 

Ben carried her across the apartment like she was nothing more than a blanket or a pile of clouds. He carefully maneuvered her through the door of his room and laid her down in his bed before pulling the covers over her. 

“I’ll be back in a second. You need to drink some water, okay?”

Rey nodded slowly and watched as Ben walked out the bedroom door towards the kitchen. Her tears faded away into exhaustion and a pleasant numbness. Vacancy, Hotel Rey. 

...

She wasn’t okay, Ben knew that for sure. He knew he couldn’t stop her from doing what she wanted. He had zero right to tell her what to do or even offer any advice (really he would never have that right, but he didn’t even know where they stood in a relationship). But she shouldn’t have had so much to smoke or drink. 

How many times had he fallen down the same rabbit hole? How many times had he tried to numb himself with alcohol and drugs only to have everything come crashing down all at once? The pain could only be numbed for so long. And he hadn’t helped her, not in the right ways. 

He was just as fucked up, if not more so. Who was he to try and help her when he couldn’t get his own shit together? 

But the look she gave him when he brushed away her hair and the way her lips felt against his palm… It was enough to crumple any resolve that he couldn’t be there for her. That he couldn’t be enough for her. 

Maybe he wasn’t enough. 

He definitely wasn’t enough. 

But he would fucking try. 

Ben grabbed a glass from the drying rack and filled it with ice-cold water. He was so gone for her, already. Her laugh was ingrained in his head. Her smile was tattooed over his eyes. The way she looked at him had burned itself into his very soul. 

He made his way back to the room and closed the door partway behind him. There was just a sliver of light coming through to land on the bed. Rey stared distantly at his dresser, her eyes only flickering to him as he came near the bed. 

“Here’s some water.” 

Exhaustion and a darkness filled her eyes as they drifted back to staring at the wall. 

“Please, Rey.” He asked quietly. That seemed to bring her back, if just for a moment. “Let me help you.”

Rey nodded slowly and Ben helped her sit up before placing the glass of water in her hands. She took a tentative sip then guzzled down the rest of the glass in one go. Ben smiled as she sheepishly handed the glass back to him. He left the glass on the dresser top and hesitated. What if she didn’t want him in bed? What if she changed her mind? If he did something to hurt her?

Rey didn’t look at him, distant once more. He couldn’t leave her there like that. He couldn’t let her be alone with her thoughts. He couldn’t keep himself from wanting to go to her. 

Ben slowly climbed into the bed as he had the first night with her. He laid at the edge of it, giving her space and hoping she’d come to him. For a few moments, Rey didn’t move. Then, the bed moved beside him as she shifted. A breath later, Rey pressed herself against his side and laid beside him. Their legs pressed together and his shoulder brushing against her cheek. 

All he wanted to do was wrap her up in his arms, to hold her close and press kisses into her hair. He held himself back, his heart racing at the electric feeling of her skin against his. The sound of her voice almost shocked him out of the bed. 

“Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you tell me about something? Anything. I don’t care what.”

Ben swallowed, thankful that she couldn’t see him in the dark. “I keep thinking about you. And how fucked up the world is, but I barely know you and already the world is a little bit better. And I know it's fucked up to feel that way when we barely know each other and all I’ve done is take you to get McDonald's, but I don’t care. I want to take you on a real date. I want to kiss you again if you’ll let me. I want to hold you and laugh with you and let you beat me at Mario Kart. And I don’t know if there’s such a thing as soulmates… I don’t want to scare you. I just… I’ve never felt like this about anyone. I’ve never met someone who just gets it. Who understands how fucked up the world is. And I’m scared I’m going to lose you. And I don’t know how to not fuck up. All I do is fuck up. Ruin things. Hurt people.”

Ben paused, his thoughts racing faster than he could get them to come out of his mouth. Rey’s breathing had evened out as he spoke and he hoped for a moment that she was asleep. That she wouldn’t remember any of his buzzed rambling in the morning.

She shifted until she was tucked in the crook of his arm. He could feel her looking up at him, even in the darkness. 

“You better not ‘let me win’.” Daggers. She was staring daggers at him. “I better be winning fair and square.” 

Ben let himself grin. There she was. “I wouldn’t dream of it, though I hope you get used to defeat.”

“In your dreams,” Rey sighed softly. 

A moment of quiet passed. They both were half-way to sleep when Rey whispered quietly, “I feel it, too.”

His breath hitched in his chest. He slowly moved his hand to brush against her shoulder and over her soft skin. Rey shifted, but it wasn’t away from him. She pressed herself closer to him. Her leg hitched up over his hip as she nuzzled at his neck. Ben turned to catch her lips with his own. Soft and gentle. Ben pulled her closer and ran his fingers through her hair to pull her deeper into the kiss. She was a slow burn on a warm summer night. Rey slid over him and broke away to run her fingers over his chest in the darkness.

“Rey,” He whispers, already half-way gone beneath her. 

Her hips drew slow circles over him and Ben twitched into her. He was already hard. Her heat just a few scraps of fabric away from him. Her fingers slipped beneath the hem of his shirt and tugged the cloth over his head. His breath turned ragged as Rey traced soft lines over his chest. She stopped and a moment later her lips pressed against his neck in openmouthed kisses. Ben groaned and fisted his hands at his side. It was pure torture for her to touch him and him not return the caress. He found against the urge to buck up into her as she ground her hips over his length. 

Rey’s fingers drifted over his arms and took his hands in hers. Ben let her lift his hands from the bed. Rey gasped softly as she pressed his hands to her breasts.  _ Fucking hell they’re perfect. She’s perfect.  _

“Is it okay if I-“

“Please, Ben.”

He let himself lose himself in the feeling of her tits in his hands, wanting nothing more than to rip his shirt off of her. He satisfied himself with touching and teasing her through the fabric. Rey whimpered beneath his touch, shivering gently as he tweaked her nipple beneath the fabric. She was getting close, his hips moving faster to find friction against him. He was close too, the feeling of her over his shorts uncomfortably good. He focussed on his breathing, trying to keep himself in check even as she lost herself to him. 

Rey tore her shirt over her head and Ben lost all sense of self-control as he sat up and hurried his face between the soft flesh of her chest. His lips found a hardened nipple and he took it in his mouth to suck. Rey moaned as her fingers curled in his hair and held him close. His hips bucked up into her in a mock attempt to find some sort of friction and release. His thumb rolled over her free nipple as he sucked the other and rolled his tongue over the bud. Rey cried out with a whimper as she came apart over him. Ben’s hips bucked up to press against her core and he was coming, too. A mess in his shorts but he couldn't bring himself to care. Not when Rey’s hands sweetly pulled his head back to catch his lips with her own. She let out a shuddering sigh that burned into his psyche. 

Ben kissed down her neck and nuzzled into the crook of it, kissing her sweet skin gently. His heart threatened to tear itself from his chest. “Did you…”

Rey nodded. “Did you?”

Ben grunted an affirmation refusing to let his lips leave her skin. He made lazy paths up and down her back with gentle fingers. Rey slowly fell back to the bed and tangled her legs between his as he rolled to face her. He couldn’t take his hands off her, not when she had allowed him this. Though part of him feared they had gone too far too quickly. That neither of them were thinking right. He knew his emotions could get the better of him. Should he give her space? 

“Don’t leave me,” Rey whispers. She’s somewhere between waking and sleep. “Please, don’t leave me.”

* * *

_I wanna be alone_   
_Alone with you, does that make sense?_   
_I wanna steal your soul_   
_And hide you in my treasure chest_

_I don't know what to do_   
_To do with your kiss on my neck_   
_I don't know what feels true_   
_But this feels right so stay a sec_

_Yeah, you feel right so stay a sec_

_-_ hostage, _billie eilish_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that Rey's emotions probably seem like a rollercoaster- cause they are. She's never had the time or space or security to really face what she's been through and be emotional about it. Things don't always hit you all at once and they might hit you when you're least expecting it. Rey hasn't had anyone touch her with good intention in years, if not for most of her life. 
> 
> Touch and Mario Kart. That's all the soul needs. 
> 
> lol I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's just a little short one to try and get back into the swing of things and keep going on this. Stay tuned for sleepy mornings and Ben and the boys hatching a plan to keep Rey safe. 
> 
> Follow Me On [Tumblr!](https://thesnowfire13.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [Daisies in the Dark Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1mxtICJji3vcUD2ffrXDGA?si=kgFcdeN0R3KP9CWurdlEPg)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really recommend listening to the chapter song before/while reading the first bit--- [here's a link to the youtube video of it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYLZrCuhu_0&ab_channel=FrightenedRabbit)

She’d never slept like that before, or woken as she had either. The loft was quiet. Soft tendrils of light-soaked through the curtains. She was safe. Warm. There was no place for her to be, no place to run off to. All she had to do was breathe and sink back into the strong arms that wrapped around her and held her close. 

Rey wanted to stay like that forever. 

With Ben curled around her, she could pretend for a moment like she had a normal life. One where she wasn’t in hiding or on the run. One where maybe she and Ben could have a happy ending. Rey pushed away the rising doubts and voices in her and turned over gently. Ben grumbled but did not wake. She could stay like this a little longer. Pretend a little longer that someone like Ben could ever love her. Want her. 

The haze of last night came back as she watched him take slow, light breaths. The warm arm from his lips gently brushing against her. His hair was ten different kinds of crazy. And there was something boyish about him as he slept. Something almost happy. Peaceful. She wanted him to stay like that, wanted to remember him like that. She’d never been good at art, but she wished she was just to capture him. 

How had she fallen so fast?

It was only just yesterday she had gone to the skate park. Only just yesterday she had left Plutt passed out in his recliner. Considered lighting the place on fire, knowing he was too drunk to wake up. But she had left him there, like a part of her knew she wasn’t going to return anyway. 

Terror of the unknown hung at the borders of her consciousness, but she kept them at bay as she reached out to brush her fingers over Ben’s full lips. She traced the curve of his cheeks, the patterns of the moles on his face. He was the most beautiful man she had ever seen and she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame, knowing full well he had the power to burn her. 

Ben grunted as he slowly awoke, his eyes blinking against the sun. Her hand froze against his cheek as surprise flickered over his features. His warm amber eyes settled on hers and a boyish grin came to his lips. Rey smiled in return, her body warming as Ben turned his head to brush his lips against the palm of her hand. Rey slowly moved her fingers over his cheek and carefully ran them through his bedhead. Ben let out a muffled, contented sigh. His eyes closing again. His hair, despite the tangles, was one of the softest most luxurious things she had ever felt before. 

“If you keep doing that, you’re going to put me back to sleep,” Ben grunted. Rey stopped and pulled back. 

“Sorry.”

Ben’s eyes opened to look at her again. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “No, iss good. I liked it. No one’s done that since…”

Ben cuts himself off, drifting to somewhere distance. It stings a little, that he doesn’t want to tell her. Some ex-girlfriend maybe? A pang of jealousy curled through her and she forced herself to look away, change the subject.

“Last night...” Ben says softly.

Rey can’t bring herself to look at him. She had let herself break, lost herself in her emotions in him. And the worst thing was that she wouldn’t change a thing about it. He had been the only thing that made sense. He had been the only one she trusted to hold the pieces of her together. And she had just wanted to feel something. 

Ben pulls away from her and the distance between them hurts more than Rey knew it could. 

“Rey, please tell me- Please, please tell me you wanted that. I didn’t- I thought-”

_What?_

_No-_

Rey looks up at him. She sees nothing but sheer panic in his eyes. “No, Ben. I wanted that. I did. I swear.”

Ben relaxes, but he can’t hide the hint of worry still there. Rey doesn’t know what else to do to push that worry completely out of his mind but presses her lips to his gently. A sigh falls from his lips as she pulls back. “You’re the only person in this world I trust.”

“I don’t… Why?”

Rey doesn’t answer. Can’t answer. She doesn’t know a precise reason. What makes Ben so different from any other man but… 

He doesn’t ask her for anything. Not her trust. Not her life or her body. He wants nothing from her but what she’s willing to give him. 

She doesn’t know how to communicate that, so she kisses him again and pulls him as close as she can to him, hoping he’ll understand. They kiss slow and soft as they wake up to a new day. Ben’s fingers thread through her hair to pull her close, deepening the kiss between them. She can feel him against her thigh, but he doesn’t push. He seems content to just lay like this with her. 

Ben pulls away and it takes a moment for Rey to come back down to him. He runs his hands through her hair and Rey sinks into his touch. “Promise me you’ll stay here.”

She can’t go back to Plutts. She refuses to get stuck in some group home somewhere. The Knights are the closest thing she has to a family, Rey realizes. Even with Kuruk being an overall ass, they looked out for her. AP treated her like a little sister. The twins tolerated her and even listened to her. Vik and Cardo, she barely knew but even they seemed to accept her presence. “I’ll stay.”

Ben nods. “Good.”

He buries his face in the crook of her neck, leaving soft open-mouthed kisses there. “Good.”

Rey is half-way back to sleep when her stomach growls loudly. She’s so used to the feeling that she doesn’t move, but Ben chuckles softly and kisses her forehead. “Don’t move. I’ll go make breakfast.”

Ben slides out of the bed and Rey curls up in a ball, trying to retain the heat he leaves behind. For the first time in a long time, Rey finds her hope and holds on to it tightly. 

…

There are things he needs to take care of. Already he can feel the drive humming in his bones, the feeling of being unstoppable. Now that Rey is safe, he can focus on the other issues at hand. Kuruk’s issues. The man has been nothing but a pathetic, wasted drunk since the fight and Ben would like nothing more than to finish the job. At the very least, he’d like to toss the man to the curb and leave him high and dry. See how he’d like it. Because that was exactly what he had done to the Knights. And now it was Ben’s job to fix Kuruk’s fuck ups.

He didn’t trust the fact that Kuruk was still around, drunk or not. Even Ren himself had disappeared once Ben claimed his seat. There was nothing that said Kuruk had to leave, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be forced out. 

On the other hand, Kuruk might be helpful in unfucking his mess. Or at least be someone to throw under the bus if push came to shove. 

In the weeks that Rey had been… Gone… He’d found out as much about this First Order as he could. They had come in guns blazing after the Hutts’ operation fell apart, filling the void with an already extensive network of suppliers. From there it was child’s play to make deals with the local dealers who had remained largely unaffected by the Hutts’ departure, but with no product to move. The First Order took over the market before anyone could challenge it like they had known the Hutts were about to fall. 

The Knights were not supposed to be part of that equation. 

The reason they had survived as long as they did was because they operated on the fringes at low levels, filling the gaps that the Hutts didn’t care about. They were weed dealers and little else. Their product was good, priced well, and their customers were loyal- mostly rich Northsiders and the odd Southsider. They made more than enough to be comfortable and nothing that would cause waves. 

It was a deal that worked. A deal that kept the law off their backs and put no one in danger. 

And Kuruk had gone and fucked it all up. 

Now Ben had to be the one to fix his deal with the devil. He needed to call a meeting with the Knights. Unlike Kuruk, Ben knew better than to go behind the Knight’s backs. 

The door to AP’s room swung open and the man sleepily stumbled out with a groan. He blinks as his eyes land on Ben and the two men nod in a morning greeting. Ben finishes prepping the coffee maker and sets it to brew. “There’ll be coffee in a sec. And I’m making breakfast.”

He might as well make it for everyone while he was at it. There was probably pancake mix hiding somewhere and some bacon. Rey needed to eat. He didn’t want to think about how much Plutt probably wasn’t feeding her. It was too early to ruin his morning.

He digs out a half-empty box of mix. There was just enough mix and milk left to make a decent amount of pancakes for the group- at least if Kuruk didn’t show up. Which Ben would admit he was hoping for. 

Again- fuck Kuruk. 

Ben poured a cup of coffee with a dash of milk for AP and set it in front of the bleeding looking man sitting at the bartop. AP grunts in thanks. It didn’t look like he had the best night; AP was generally the most morning inclined of the Knights. 

Coffee then business it was. 

Ben put a pile of pancakes on a plate for AP as well then started on Rey’s stack and bacon. 

It was semi-fascinating to watch the life flood back into his friend’s eyes. 

His only friend, really. Second in command, as Ben trusted no one else, even if AP had no interest in leading. 

Ben stacked up Rey’s pancakes, slathered them in butter and syrup and added a few slices of bacon on the side. 

He takes the plate and a cup of coffee back to his room. Rey laid curled up on his sheets, hair in disarray. Her breaths rise and fall quietly. She twitches and frowns adorably and Ben doesn’t want to wake her if she needs to sleep. But he can tell the moment the smell of food hits her as she jumps out of sleep and looks around the room wildly. Her eyes land on him and food and she relaxes back into the bed. 

“Food. As promised.” Ben offers her the plate and Rey frowns. Not the reaction he was going for. 

“Is that all for me?” Her eyes shine. Was she about to cry? Did she not know how much of himself he would give to her to keep her happy? Of course, she didn’t, but he wanted her to know. Wanted her to believe it. Though, he didn’t quite understand it himself. 

“Yeah, of course.” He hands her the plate and the cup. “There’s more in the kitchen. Eat as much as you want.”

He can smell the bacon beginning to burn, so he turns to leave her to eat. 

“Wait.”

Ben turns back to see her sitting in the middle of the bed, a giant plate of food in her hands, hair crazy, sleep in her eyes, drowning in his t-shirt. He loved her. He knew he did. 

“Are- Will- Did-” Rey stutters. He thinks he knows what she’s wanting. 

“I have to finish cooking. But… Do you- Did you want me to eat with you?”

Rey paused before nodding slowly. “You don’t have to. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t eat in your bed anyway- get syrup everywhere.”

He can’t fight back his grin. “I’ll eat with you in a second. I don’t give two fucks if you get syrup on my sheets.”

Rey opened her mouth to say something then decided against it and nodded. “Okay.”

Back in the kitchen AP was still slowly working through his pancakes. Ben returned to the stove and tried to ignore AP’s raised brow and pointed stare. 

“I need to call a meeting. Everyone. Get Vic and Cardo here, too. First ORder dropped off contact last night. We need to decide how the hell we get out of this.” Ben watched as bubbles formed in the cooking pancake batter. 

“And Rey,” AP grunted. 

Ben flipped the pancakes. “What about her.”

“We need to have a formal vote about her staying long term.” AP paused. “She is staying long term.”

“As long as she wants.” Ben knew this, but he also knew AP’s cautious opinion on bringing Rey too close to the operation. Ben would be lying if he said he didn’t reluctantly see why. And since she would be staying in the loft, there needed to be a formal unanimous vote amongst the loft’s residents to let her stay. 

“She’s a runaway. Could bring cops sniffing.”

“If they care enough to.” Cops didn’t give two shits- now about welfare anyway. But it would give them leverage to get a warrant if they thought an unemancipated minor was living with them illegally. 

“It’s a weakness to exploit. Could give them an opening-”

“I’m not letting her go back there,” Ben growled as anger roared through his system. Protective. He was protective of her. He’d die before Plutt ever breathed in Rey’s direction again. 

“That’s not what I’m saying and you know it.” AP set his now empty cup of coffee on the counter. “I’m saying that we need to look at other options for her. We have to be prepared for the consequences of our actions.”

AP picked up his empty plate and stood. Ben turned to face him and the two men met each other head-on. AP searched for something in Ben’s eyes, but Ben was careful to let little through. AP nodded. “I know how you feel about her. We all want to keep her safe, but you’re Kylo Ren."

The mention of his name jars him. It sounds fake and unfamiliar. When the hell did that happen?

_When you told Rey you were Ben is when._

"You’re not just responsible for her life. She doesn’t come first. Not now. If you can’t remember that, you shouldn’t be here.”

Ben breathed through his urge to deck AP (a common reaction to the man’s scarily acute and frank advice) and nodded. He didn’t like that AP was right. Not one bit. 

Satisfied, AP tossed his plate and cup in the sink. “I’ll round up everyone for tonight. Rey can’t be there.”

Ben nodded and AP went to disappear to wherever the man liked to disappear to during the day. Ben shut down the stove and made himself a plate of food. He left the rest out for whoever wanted it. 

AP’s words itched at him. 

Rey still sat in his bed, giving him a soft smile as he closed the door. She still held her plate of food, though her coffee cup was on the nightstand. “Is everything okay?”

He needed time to think. Answers. Some sort of plan. He wasn’t one to charge blindly into situations if he could help it. He had seen his father fuck up too many times with that idea. As much as he hated to admit it, realistically Rey threw in a separate complicated wrench to his problems. He had to keep her separate. Safe. Not let her get dragged into something that could get them all arrested or killed. 

“You haven’t touched your pancakes.” He sat down on the edge of his bed, shifting to face her. 

“Oh.” Color flooded her cheeks. “I was just waiting for you.”

Ben’s heart leaped. “Yeah?”

Rey’s grin could fuel his soul for the rest of his life. “Yeah.”

* * *

_Death dreams you don't forget_   
_It's been a while since I dreamed this but_   
_Even now, when asleep, I'll tread with care_   
_Death dreams you don't forget_   
_It's been a while since I dreamed this but_   
_Even now, when asleep, I'll tread with care_

_-_ Death Dream, _Frightened Rabbit_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Death Dream--- "Dreaming about yourself dying could mean that you're in a major life transition. It might be a symbolic goodbye to a relationship, a job, or a home. It could represent a part of you that is dying or something you'd like to escape." [Source](https://www.healthline.com/health/what-does-it-mean-when-you-dream-about-someone-dying#:~:text=Dreams%20about%20you%20dying,you'd%20like%20to%20escape.)
> 
> ... Kind of like pulling the Death card in Tarot
> 
> Follow Me On [Tumblr!](https://thesnowfire13.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [Daisies in the Dark Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1mxtICJji3vcUD2ffrXDGA?si=kgFcdeN0R3KP9CWurdlEPg)


End file.
